Last Tuesday, The Onion accidentally printed a photo of a nun feeding an apple to a horse everywhere a photo belonged.

An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.

The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.

The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.

After defending Cindy for years, The Onion finally realized she’s no good. You were right.

In last Saturday’s Dining section, Damian’s Bistro was given a rating of Four Plates. The Onion has since changed its rating scale.

Bleach should not be consumed. The Onion apologizes for any confusion.

Every photo credited to photographer Walter Moost that we published during the previous two weeks turned out to be an elaborate drawing.

Please ignore the last 4,300 corrections. Turns out we were right after all.

Last Sunday’s recipe for Aunt Carol’s Spicy Sausage Chili should have included a list of ingredients and instructions for preparing the chili instead ...

The Onion would like to apologize in advance for tomorrow’s mistake, which is going to be a doozy.

We accidentally called the tomato a vegetable in Monday’s issue, when actually the tomato can be whatever you want it to be.

The Onion regrets misspelling the word “resolute” in last Thursday’s business section but isn’t that broken up about it.

Last Monday, we prematurely referred to the U.S. currency as the “blood kargoon” instead of the dollar.

An article Tuesday on local man Aaron Callaghan’s suicide incorrectly stated that he “blew his Brians out.” He actually blew his brains out.

Instead of jambalaya, we would like to change our order and have the grilled shrimp, thanks. The Onion regrets the error.

Last week, The Onion forgot to send somebody to report on the growth of the big apple tree. There are no apples yet.

Last Friday, you referred to Kung Fu Panda as a Pixar movie. It’s actually by DreamWorks.

Love matters. The Onion regrets the error.

Friday’s issue was scratchable but not sniffable. The Onion regrets the error.