Oprah Secedes from U.S., Forms Independent Nation Of Cheesecake-Eating Housewives

Sears, Roebuck Plead 'Not Guilty' To Pornography Charges

Cute Little Mouse Crushed to Death by Petting

Nation Wowed By Tremendous Hindenburg Explosion

Al Gore Caught In Love Tryst With Endangered Tree Owl

Texas Instruments Continues Domination of Personal-Computing Field

San Francisco Grocer Henry Nakamura Chief Suspect in Pearl Harbor Bombing

One Million Teen-Age Girls Stricken in Beatlenemia Epidemic

Nancy Reagan Ends Nation's Drug Problem with Very Special Diff'rent Strokes Appearance

Bush Decries Exxon Valdez Spillage of 'Precious, Precious Oil'

Our First Lesbian President

New Medical Report Finds Heavy Petting Linked to Communism

Federal Seat Of Power Moves To Mall Of America

'Tele-Vision' Promises Mass Enrichment of Mankind

Pure Food And Drug Act Will Limit Human-Thumb Levels Permitted In Meats

FDR, Stalin, Churchill Meet For Mutton Luncheon, Nap

India's Nationalist Leader Pummeled Senseless By Practitioners Of British 'Violence' Movement

Henley, Frey Urge Nation To Take It Easy: Laid-Back Eagles Call For National Mellowing-Out Period

CNN Deploys Troops To Iraq: 'This Is War,' Says James Earl Jones

Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Bora Bora, Samoa, Philippines, Japan Granted U.S. Statehood