adBlockCheck

Horoscope

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 17, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you’re naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you’re still single after all these years.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars know this relationship isn’t always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won’t regret it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you’re busy washing the stars’ truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you’ll continue punching yours in the face long after he’s dead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It’s not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone’s guess.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close