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Horoscope

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 21, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You’ve never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as “turning on the ol’ wind farm.” That’s not helping anyone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There’s something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you’ll soon find out for yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Children are our nation’s greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that’s both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you’ve decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
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