adBlockCheck

Horoscope

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 21, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode’s gestation period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you’ll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It’ll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you’ll find out that your viewership goes up when you’re fighting or having sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can’t find one, they’ll use something else.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close