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Horoscope

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 20, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you’d think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn’t it?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ve never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed “signs” tell you how you should drive your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’re starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won’t actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes it feels as if your life’s long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren’t very many left.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to Fire Exit signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words “We’re friends” and “I’ll call you.”
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say, “I’m afraid I’ve always had a rather…sharp tongue.”
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will soon lose all direction, which considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.

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