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Horoscope

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 18, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this this week and in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announces price hikes on all divine services.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will Zach Galifianakis, who is apparently in everything these days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the moment of truth you’ve been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you’ll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it’s all been the cat’s fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you’ve always had good luck at work while operating on the buddy system, next week’s attempt to move to the fuck-buddy system will be a complete disaster.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you’re starting to think that your problem is that you’re too “in your head,” it’s actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to achieve fame no matter what the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What’s-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sometimes it feels as if your life’s long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren’t very many left.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you’re often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it’s made it easy for you to get dates.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The King’s men part you can understand, but you’ve never really comprehended how all the King’s horses were supposed to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it may be true that the Emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the Emperor, you’d walk around naked too.

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