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Horoscope

Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Horoscope

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad... more»
Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.15.12 | Horoscope

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th... more»
Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.08.12 | Horoscope

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo... more»
Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.01.12 | Horoscope

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 24, 2012

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.24.12 | Horoscope

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri... more»
Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.17.12 | Horoscope

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey... more»
Your Horoscopes – Week of March 27, 2012

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.27.12 | Horoscope

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.20.12 | Horoscope

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 13, 2012

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | Horoscope

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 6, 2012

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | Horoscope

Aries The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were pregnant, female, or had ever had sex. Taurus Yet another week will go by during wh... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 21, 2012

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Horoscope

Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you. Tau... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 14, 2012

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.14.12 | Horoscope

Aries Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars. Taurus While you admire his technical execution and admit he ha... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Horoscope

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 31, 2012

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Horoscope

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.24.12 | Horoscope

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Horoscope

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Horoscope

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 3, 2012

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Horoscope

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 6, 2011

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.06.11 | Horoscope

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.15.11 | Horoscope

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2011

ISSUE 47•45 | 11.08.11 | Horoscope

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

ISSUE 47•48 | 11.01.11 | Horoscope

Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 1, 2011

ISSUE 47•44 | 11.01.11 | Horoscope

Aries Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now. Taurus You've always wanted to become a local ... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Horoscope

Aries This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home. Taurus Trouble rears its ugly head in the workpl... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 18, 2011

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.18.11 | Horoscope

Aries You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down." Taurus The problems you have may be insignificant ... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week of October 11, 2011

ISSUE 47•41 | 10.11.11 | Horoscope

Leo The FBI will have to ask you some tough questions next week, such as whether true love really exists and what happens after we die. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week of October 04, 2011

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Horoscope

Virgo You've tried leaving poems at the scene, leaving signature marks, and only working on Sundays, but the papers insist on merely calling you "The Nickname-less Killer." more»
Your Horoscopes - Week of September 27, 2011

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | Horoscope

Taurus There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators to figure out what happened. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week of September 20, 2011

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.20.11 | Horoscope

Aries: Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13, 2011

ISSUE 47•37 | 09.13.11 | Horoscope

Aries: The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just enjoy seeing hit in the balls. more»