Aries Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 ...

Aries Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s ...

Aries You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks. Taurus ...

Aries You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone ...

Aries This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just ...

Aries The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn. Taurus After your fourth hospital stay ...

Aries You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering ...

Aries Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months. Taurus The loneliness you feel ...

Aries Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given ...

Aries It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent ...

Aries The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to ...

Aries While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work ...

Aries There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good. Taurus Forces ...

Aries An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose. Taurus You ...

Aries You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps. Taurus An otherwise enjoyable week is ...

Aries You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will ...

Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money. Taurus The ...

Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions. Taurus Don't ...

Aries A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one ...

Aries The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down ...