Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money. Taurus The ...

Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions. Taurus Don't ...

Aries A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one ...

Aries The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down ...

Aries You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their ...

Aries You have a mind like a steel trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside. Taurus Never in a ...

Aries The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with ...

Aries Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse. Taurus Pain ...

Aries Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people ...

Aries An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations ...

Aries You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with ...

Aries Don’t worry your pretty little head about next week’s events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that ...

Aries You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly ...

Aries You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that. Taurus After ...

Aries You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week ...

Aries The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds. Taurus Your quest for abs ...

Aries All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't ...

Aries Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas. Taurus They say you ...

Aries Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your ...

Aries Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes. Taurus Will you finally get that big job ...