Aries This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS. Taurus While being ...

Aries You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he’ll have ...

Libra Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have ...

Aries While it's true you'll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it's admirable that it hasn't stopped you from having ...

Aries Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun. Taurus ...

Aries Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the ...

Aries: It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is ...

Aries You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100." Taurus If someone had told you ...

Aries You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more ...

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take ...

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time ...

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream ...

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly ...

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild ...

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as ...

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone ...

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his ...

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone ...

Aries The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were ...

Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage ...