Aries Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun. Taurus ...

Aries Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the ...

Aries: It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is ...

Aries You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100." Taurus If someone had told you ...

Aries You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more ...

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take ...

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time ...

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream ...

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly ...

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild ...

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as ...

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone ...

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his ...

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone ...

Aries The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were ...

Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage ...

Aries Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky ...

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor ...

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you ...

Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made ...