Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme ...
Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never ...
The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all ...
Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this ...
As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned ...
You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may ...
The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.