You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.

You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.

Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.

Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no ...

Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit ...

Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.

Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the ...

Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.

You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."

Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.

The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.

Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.

Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you ...

You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps ...

The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those ...

You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from ...

Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.

You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."

Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.

Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice ...