Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident ...

Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.

You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.

Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."

An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.

Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.

You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.

Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.

You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell ...

Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of ...

Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic ...

After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60 ...

This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk ...

In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary ...

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel ...

If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in ...

The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving ...

Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her ...

Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they ...

Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.