Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries.
Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your ...
The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of ...
You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no ...
Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit ...
Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the ...
Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.