Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's ...

Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your ...

In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the ...

Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little ...

A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.

You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing ...

A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for ...

Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene ...

Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled ...

Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill ...

Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.

Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.

You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.

After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy ...

A gypsy seer will reveal to you that your great lack of the sensitivity, uncharacteristic of those born under this sign, stems from the fact ...

Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to ...

You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.

There's only one place to turn for the kind of quality horoscopes you've come to depend on: Aries—A Sign Of Your Times™.

Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.

You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.