Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to ...

You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.

There's only one place to turn for the kind of quality horoscopes you've come to depend on: Aries—A Sign Of Your Times™.

Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.

You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.

After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”

Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife ...

You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head ...

You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2 ...

You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.

The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and ...

The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of minutes ...

You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.

Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.

After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.

You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to ...

Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.

It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.

Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."