You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.

You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should ...

You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant ...

Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.

Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the ...

After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.

You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500.

In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the ...

An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and ...

You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug ...

Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.

Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is ...

An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.

You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex ...

Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.

In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.

Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.

The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.

Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.

Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local ...