Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.

The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.

Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.

Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local ...

Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.

You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton ...

I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands!

Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.

Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms ...

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar ...

God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.

Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!

A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.

It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.

The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.

The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.

Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the ...

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love.