Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
You will discover this week that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your ancient ancestors by discovering a use for every single part of the ...
Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m ...
You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the perfect beast.
You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for ...
Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will ...
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next ...
Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident ...
Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.