Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright ...

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a ...

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and ...

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus ...

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus ...

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that ...

Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is ...

Aries Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been ...

Aries This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at ...

Aries You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed ...

Leo The FBI will have to ask you some tough questions next week, such as whether true love really exists and what happens after we ...

Virgo You've tried leaving poems at the scene, leaving signature marks, and only working on Sundays, but the papers insist on merely calling you ...

Taurus There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators ...

Aries: Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go ...

Aries: The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just ...

Taurus: It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask ...

Aries: Remember, when potential employers ask you what your worst quality is, you're bound by law to mention all those poor, poor nurses.

Libra: Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they'll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.

Aries Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.

Aries The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing ...