Aries You'll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting ...

Aries One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die ...

Aries While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision. Taurus It may be time ...

Aries You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers. Taurus ...

Aries You'll inspire thousands to go out and do something with their lives in order not to wind up being as pathetic and useless ...

Gemini Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is ...

Aries Sometimes the exact right thing falls right out of the sky and hits you between the eyes, which will be the case next week ...

Aries Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep. Taurus ...

Aries You'll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life's problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention. 

Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic ...

Gemini Remember, only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may ...

Aries Home is where your heart is, and your lungs and liver too, but despite a monthlong search they'll never find all of you ...

Aries: You refuse to buy into society's petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that's what you tell people when ...

Aries: The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you're frozen in a giant ...

Aries: You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.

Aries: You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how ...

Aries: It's important, as Kipling said, to treat triumph and disaster both the same, but it seems all you ever get are mild satisfaction ...

Aries: You'll become embroiled in a steamy office romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of ...

Aries: You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.

Aries: Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it's so creepy in there that She only takes about six ...