Leo: You'll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more ...

Aries: You try to be an accepting person, but you still don't see why some people can't be a nice, normal gender instead ...

Aries: Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.

Aries: You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits ...

Aries: Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all ...

Aries: Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.

Aries: After three exhausting weeks, you'll be embarrassed and infuriated to learn that the Marine Corps motto is not in fact "Semper Fellatio."

Aries: Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of the relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan ...

Taurus: Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.

Aries: Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the ...

Aries: Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise ...

Aries: It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically ...

Aries After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you about $3,500. 

Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.

Aries The stars are beginning to suspect you think of relationships, dating, and in fact any romantic involvement whatsoever as nothing more than an excuse ...

Aries Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for ...

Aries You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive. Taurus ...

Aries A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this week and, in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announce ...

Aries Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent ...

Aries Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start ...