Dear The Onion, Your suggestions for improving a beach picnic just weren’t realistic. Who has that many beach balls? Harry Lautner, Cape May, NJ

Dear The Onion, Thanks for listing the price of ground chuck every day. When it goes above $3.45/lb., I don’t have ground ...

Dear The Onion, I have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday at 11. Could you print an article reminding me to go? Ellen Lambright, Olivette ...

Dear The Onion, Your paper is outstanding. It is truly a model for greatness and is the essence of journalistic perfection. And I should know ...

Dear The Onion, Nice try with the coupons for cheese, but I’m sticking to my diet. Tracey Richards, Ft. Worth, TX

Dear The Onion, Your advertising doesn’t work on me! Ha ha ha! Nicole Howe, Trenton, NJ

Dear The Onion, It’s really hard to get a letter published in The New Yorker. So I have enclosed all my thoughts on Gore ...

Dear The Onion, I found a great place to put old, rusty trucks. You want in? Bernard Hodges, Midland, TX

Dear The Onion, I’ve fallen on hard times economically. Could you find it in your heart to reimburse me for the cost of this ...

Dear The Onion, I got nothing to say. Guess I’m pretty chill that way. Tyler Hallam, Los Angeles

Dear The Onion, I'm not sure if you do this, but I'd love to take a crack at writing a Wizard Of Id ...

Dear The Onion, My apartment building is currently collapsing. Know any good ways out of here? Henry Tundrow, Atlanta

Dear The Onion, I picked up on the coded messages in the last issue. I have procured a live chicken and am awaiting further instruction ...

Dear The Onion, How long should I wait for my husband to come back from the store before I know he left me? Kelly McDowell ...

Dear The Onion, I forgot what I was going to write, but I already addressed and affixed the stamp to the envelope. Gene Putnam, Cary ...

Dear The Onion, By the time I read any one of your articles, those events have already happened. What gives? Annette Brewer, Perrysburg, OH

Dear The Onion, You haven’t mentioned the airline TWA in a while. Is everything okay with them? Pauline Spiller, Texarkana, TX

Dear The Onion, Your story about the chimp mauling the owner who raised it would have been better if they just hugged at the end ...

Dear The Onion, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Fuller family! There’s no picture this year because Mary got her face burnt ...

Dear The Onion, My girlfriend and I can’t find a decent place to eat in our neighborhood. Help! Please publish a restaurant review soon ...