Dear The Onion, Is this a bad time? I could write another letter later if that would work better? Okay then. Barbara Adams, Lincoln, NE

Dear The Onion, My downstairs neighbors are super loud, and I am super passive-aggressive, so I hope this letter shames them enough to keep it ...

Dear The Onion, Once upon a time, a king cast his three children out to make their way in the world. Their adventure will continue ...

Dear The Onion, So here’s the deal. I talk up how great your paper is for a few weeks and you agree to snip ...

Dear The Onion, Why is it that almost every time we pick up The Onion we have to read about another beached whale? What is ...

Dear The Onion, I need to make a change to that poem I sent you last week. On line 86, "our final request" should be ...

Dear The Onion, I'm a cartoonist! Check it out: Garfield goes to the doctor and can't get an appointment because he lost his ...

Dear The Onion, I really like what you're doing with the masthead. There's lots of names. Must be an exciting place. Kim, Las ...

Dear The Onion, I've located a typo on page 32 of the last issue and have made sure to include a copy of the ...

Great News, Mr. The Onion! For a limited time, enjoy complimentary access to The New York Times online. Just use access code: pleasegoddontabandonusnowplease. Bill Keller ...

Dear The Onion, Watch out. I think some people are out to get you. Namely, my wife and me. John and Suzanne Minksley, Dearborn, MI

Dear The Onion, My brother Cliffy owns a driving school. Sometimes he even teaches cops how to drive fast. No shit. Perry Daives, Saginaw, MI

Dear The Onion, I detected a large amount of snark in your latest Pizza My Mind column, and I did not appreciate it one bit ...

Dear The Onion, Why did you let Blockbuster buy an ad? That seems kind of mean. Big Bone Lick, KY

Dear The Onion, Did you guys know that the number 13 is unlucky? Maybe you should only publish 12 pages. Actually, maybe you should only ...

Dear The Onion, Who am I? David(?), Calabasas, CA

Dear The Onion, In last week's Diet section, you recommended eating bananas, but you didn't say what time of day. I will await ...

Dear The Onion, When I'm feeling down, I find the best pick me up is a mood-altering drug. Any kind will do. Stan Jefferies ...

Dear The Onion, Your poignant, well-written obituaries always paint an affecting picture of the brevity and fragility of life. As such, I would like to ...

Dear The Onion, I see you have a presence on the Internet as well. Smart! Doug Werner, Memphis, TN