Dear The Onion, My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim? Tod Perry, Birmingham ...

Dear The Onion, Just wanted to let you know that most of the deer heads in my trophy room are stuffed with your fine newspaper ...

Dear The Onion, There isn't much I don't know at least something about so if you guys ever need help with anything feel ...

Dear The Onion, Here are some people who I think read this newspaper: important businessmen, hip yet aging Gen-Xers, and cute indie girls who wear ...

Dear The Onion, The transitions between your articles are far too harsh and abrupt. Would you mind beginning your articles with phrases such as "And ...

Dear The Onion, I'm having trouble telling when to flip an omelet, and whether or not my girlfriend has had an orgasm during sex ...

Dear The Onion, After a thorough analysis of your business model, we suggest that you renew your focus on synergy and streamline operations where cost ...

Dear Sir Or Madam, Is it true that if I turn my parents in for treason the government will let me stay up to watch ...

Dear The Onion, I didn't vote in the recent midterm election. Ugh, God, I just felt terrible and wanted to get that off my ...

Hey Guys, When I interned there a few years ago, I taped a piece of paper with all my passwords and stuff underneath the top ...

Dear The Onion, I know your etiquette column said 20 percent is an appropriate amount to tip for good service, but I've realized that ...

Dear The Onion, My mom keeps going on and on about a recipe she clipped from your paper back in '63 and used to make ...

Dear The Onion, I have never been so outraged in my entire life. Thanks for letting me vent. Natalie Neuman, Los Angeles

Dear The Onion, I'd like to thank Dr. Abrams for his insightful advice in last week's Health Matters column. I'm feeling better ...

Dear The Onion, A part of me agrees with your stance in favor of the new mall being built off Route 9, but another part ...

Dear The Onion, My name is Hank McGrady and I'm 32 and there's a girl I really like and I already punched her ...

Dear The Onion, I enjoyed your article on Julie Benz's summer home in the Hamptons so much that I left it dog-eared on the ...

Dear The Onion, After the carefully thought-out letter I sent last week, I can't believe you published another paper this week as if nothing ...

Dear The Onion, How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't ...

Dear The Onion, There's no chance or hope that I'll get better. This is goodbye. Nathan, Buffalo, NY