Dear The Onion, Remember that guy from last week or so who was some kind of mayor or alderman? He was against wrecking something, like ...

Dear The Onion, I wish you'd feature more LGBT journalists in your paper, as I can safely assume, based on their headshots and sentence ...

Dear The Onion, Congrats, you're the winner of a new cat (enclosed). Rich, Toms River, NJ

Dear The Onion, I don't like your tone these days. Would it kill you to end a few articles with "Thanks for reading?" Charlie ...

Dear The Onion, The ghost in my apartment won't go away unless you correct a misspelling of his name from June 6, 1997. Dwight ...

Dear The Onion, I'd just like to say there's no reason to change your oil every 3,000 miles. Your car can make ...

Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI

Dear The Onion, I hate to break it to you, but two different people were standing in the subway station this morning giving away free ...

Dear The Onion, I'd like to point out that I was an early supporter of laptop computers. Thank you. Lauren Reynolds, Chicago

Dear The Onion, How do you know if you've been emasculated? My mom says I am but I'm not sure. Skip Hannigan, Gainesville ...

Dear The Onion, Thanks so much for the inspirational story about William Hines, the ordinary man who defused an elevator bomb, because I am also ...

Dear The Onion, Isn't it cool that in one of the infinite parallel universes that exist alongside our own, you're writing a letter ...

Dear The Onion, Whatever happened to Steve Snow of Cumberland, MD? He wrote you that one note and then nothing for two years. Keith Holcomb ...

Dear The Onion, Rabbits keep getting at my Bibb lettuce. Can you print some big pictures of guns that I can put around the garden ...

Dear The Onion, Thank you for your article "Hot New Parenting Tips." My son has already begun to behave much better after only two nights ...

Dear The Onion, I have four grand saved up! Charlie, Columbus, OH

Dear The Onion, Is America turning into a communist country? And if so, how do I apply for a job at the tractor factory? Thanks ...

Dear The Onion, Please settle a debate between my husband and me—he thinks your paper is terrific, and I think it's terrible. Who ...

Dear The Onion, I absolutely have to wake up tomorrow by 6 a.m., but don't trust my alarm clock. Could you publish something ...

Dear The Onion, I'm thinking of starting a rival paper and stealing your business. Could you let me know how to do this? Elizabeth ...