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God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources

THE HEAVENS—Increasingly worried by the changes they have noticed in the supreme deity’s behavior, heavenly sources expressed concern Thursday that God, Our Holy Father, was falling under the influence of a self-styled spiritual guru calling himself “the Rishi.”

Nation Unable To Discern Why Unattractive Woman On Screen

‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens

WASHINGTON—Expressing profound confusion and distress at what they were witnessing, the U.S. populace was unable to discern why an unattractive woman was suddenly on screen in front of them, sources reported Thursday.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Greyhound To Send Chimps On Pioneering Bus Trip From Buffalo To Atlantic City

Interstate Voyage Seen As Step Toward One Day Placing Humans On Route

DALLAS—In order to assess the viability of the route for potential travel by human beings, Greyhound officials announced at a press conference Wednesday a mission that will send a pair of chimpanzees on a pioneering 457-mile overland bus trip from Buffalo, NY to Atlantic City, NJ.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Local Dipshit Planning On Fighting Trump Administration Through Art

Rudnick, a simpleton and staunch critic of President Trump, describes his art as “both sword and shield.”
Rudnick, a simpleton and staunch critic of President Trump, describes his art as “both sword and shield.”

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

The 42-year-old dumbass, who has reportedly sketched out ideas for more than two dozen artistic projects addressing issues of a highly topical nature, stated that he will stand up to the presidency of Donald Trump by employing a mix of visual and performance-based media, as well as literature and song.

“As an artist, I can’t sit idly by—when you see something like this happening in the world, you have to act,” said the complete moron, whose most recent efforts include a series in which Trump’s likeness is incorporated into Soviet-era propaganda posters and a prose poem condemning the president’s decision to ban transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces. “I’m fortunate enough to have been blessed with artistic talents, and it’s my responsibility to make good use of them, putting the screws to Trump at every turn.”

The dumbfuck said he has recently been inspired to take on more ambitious projects that will “reveal this administration’s treachery for all the world to see.”

“I’m particularly excited about this new screenplay I’ve just started,” he continued. “The working title is Nuremberg, D.C.

As he showed reporters various finished works displayed in his garage, the hopeless dipshit pointed out a driftwood sculpture called Uprise, which he described as his “definitive rebuttal” to the president’s travel ban. The breathtaking idiot observed that he had “hit Trump hard” over the past few months with a looped video in which a perpetually overflowing glass of water is used to signify the flooding that climate change will bring, as well as a charcoal drawing in which a giant Betsy DeVos shakes an upturned schoolhouse and sends the children inside tumbling into a prison.

The dumbfuck, who said he has recently been inspired to take on more ambitious projects that will “reveal this administration’s treachery for all the world to see,” noted that he was particularly excited about an upcoming “Resistance Cabaret” that he is arranging with several of his equally stupid friends. According to the colossal dope, the evening of music, dance, and short theatrical pieces will conclude with the performers duct-taping their mouths shut and wearing the names of GOP lawmakers on signs around their necks to send a “powerful message” to Republicans complicit in Trump’s agenda.

The audience for the event, scheduled to take place in the back room of a local coffee shop next Tuesday from 4 to 6 p.m., is expected to include some of the most prominent idiots in the community.

“It is imperative we find new ways to keep up the pressure on this White House,” said the insufferable jackass, telling reporters that his planned 12-minute movement piece featuring marionettes and set to Gary Jules’ “Mad World” would “shine a blinding light” on the current occupant of the Oval Office. “When the piece reaches its climax, and I literally cut Trump’s strings so he’s just lying there in a heap, I’ll be striking a blow at the very heart of all that this terrible man and his cronies represent.”

“I’ll never stop fighting,” he added.

At press time, the dummy had reportedly purchased a set of Russian nesting dolls and was labeling each piece with a different word, such as “lies,” “collusion,” and “cover-up.”

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