adBlockCheck

News

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
End Of Section
  • More News

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

The total lack of abrasion along the cheekbones and above the brow ridge suggest to archaeologists that a recently discovered early ancestor spent little time burying his head in his hands.
The total lack of abrasion along the cheekbones and above the brow ridge suggest to archaeologists that a recently discovered early ancestor spent little time burying his head in his hands.

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

According to the researchers, carbon dating concluded that the fossilized skeleton is that of a Paleolithic man—nicknamed “Felix” by the team of scientists responsible for the find—who died perfectly contented and unencumbered by regret roughly 30,000 years ago.

“It’s truly incredible—Felix unequivocally demonstrates that early humans were still capable of dying completely fulfilled as late as the Upper Paleolithic,” said lead researcher Evgenia Halytsky, who went on to say that scientists had previously believed any such trait had disappeared many millennia earlier. “The vast majority of research points to our species almost never experiencing even a day of serenity for the last million years, so Felix totally upends any of our previous notions about human evolution.”

“To think that only 300 centuries ago, a human being actually died happy,” Halytsky added.

Researchers said that a spectral analysis of the remains indicated wear in Felix’s lower extremities consistent with a long, confident gait. Additionally, forensic odontology tests revealed that the man had never grinded his teeth, stunning scientists who had until now accepted that this behavior had become ubiquitous at roughly the same time humans developed abstract thought and the capacity to project into the future.

Experts also said that measurements of the man’s upper thoracic spine demonstrated that he had walked with his chest thrust forward optimistically and that his vertebrae were completely absent of any curvature that would have indicated his having gone through life with his head held in a drooping manner or with his eyes cast to the ground.

But Halytsky told reporters that what is perhaps most exciting about the find is how it sheds light on a series of mysterious and, until now, incomprehensible prehistoric cave paintings discovered in 2009 less than a mile away from the new site.

“We are now almost certain that the figure depicted in the paintings leading successful hunts and cheerfully brokering peaceful resolutions among his fellow tribesmen—who was initially regarded as some kind of mythological being—is in fact Felix,” Halytsky said. “This also lends support to the theory that Felix died having been fully aware of the extent of his positive impact on his society, which appears to have been substantial.”

“Some of the drawings illustrate him enjoying a family life more loving, affectionate, and tolerant than any we’ve ever seen throughout prehistory or otherwise, leading us to believe that his heart was overflowing with his kinsfolk’s love when he passed away,” Halytsky continued.

However, enthusiasm for the recent findings has reportedly been tempered by a competing theory that Felix was only content at the time of his death because he had decided to kill himself and end his agony all at once.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close