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Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes

THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.
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‘What If We Try This?’ Asks Robotics Grad Student About To Eliminate 30% Of Workforce

The subtle technological refinement that will plunge a third of working Americans into deep and unyielding poverty was prefaced with “Just throwing this out there.”
The subtle technological refinement that will plunge a third of working Americans into deep and unyielding poverty was prefaced with “Just throwing this out there.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Midway through a routine laboratory session Wednesday, sources say MIT graduate student Evan Ward casually remarked “What if we try this?” before making a small change to a robotic device that will one day eliminate 30 percent of the U.S. workforce.

Ward’s off-the-cuff suggestion to slightly adjust a single component of the machine will reportedly result in nearly 50 million jobs being made expendable over the next two decades, wreaking havoc on the economy and giving rise to historic levels of unemployment that will persist for generations.

“Maybe this will work,” the 24-year-old said out of mere curiosity, oblivious to the fact that the tiny modification he had suggested making to the actuator circuit of a robotic arm will result in America’s most vital industries laying off hundreds of thousands of workers every month. “I don’t know, though. I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“What do you guys think?” he added.

Current projections indicate the “little tweak,” which reportedly seemed so insignificant to Ward that he almost didn’t even bother mentioning it, will lead in time to the complete disappearance of millions of jobs in manufacturing, transportation, warehousing, mining, construction, food processing, and telecommunications.

Reports indicate that the grad student’s spontaneous suggestion involved adjusting the servo motor of an industrial robot by less than 3 millimeters, a modification that will forever change the lives of Americans as it renders hundreds of entire occupations obsolete and makes the existing skills and education of many workers all but useless in an utterly transformed economy.

“It couldn’t hurt to try anyway,” Ward said of his idea, whose applications will drastically cut overhead for U.S. companies, lead to higher returns for shareholders, and cast thousands of the nation’s working- and middle-class communities into abject poverty. “What do we have to lose?”

Ward’s spur-of-the-moment recommendation to alter the mechanism “just a smidge” will reportedly cause millions to lose their homes, become unable to support their families, and never again find work in their fields of expertise, events that sources say will result in the creation of a greatly expanded underclass that will remain a permanent feature of American society.

“Let’s give it a shot,” said professor Barbara Simmons, who oversees the lab and who will eventually join the growing number of jobless Americans once her student’s innovation causes her engineering curriculum to become irrevocably outdated. “Hey, maybe we’ll learn something at least.”

At press time, however, another student in the robotics lab had stumbled upon a groundbreaking technology that, before Ward’s discovery has a chance to devastate the economy, will inadvertently wipe out the entire human race.

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