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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.
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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Family members wistfully told reporters that grandmother Joan Osterman, who passed away last October at the age of 83, heartily enjoyed the revelry of 4/20 every year, recalling how the elderly woman always had the kindest, dankest nugs and the sweetest perma-grin on her face after ripping a huge bong hit.

“It’s just so different celebrating 4/20 without Grandma Joan here,” said 19-year-old Julia Osterman, adding that many of her most cherished 4/20 memories were of her grandmother, from how the older woman was always the first one to wake and bake in the morning, to helping her hang the family’s blacklights and her beloved Peter Tosh “Legalize It” poster. “You’d always know 4/20 was finally here when you’d hear Piper At The Gates Of Dawn playing on her old record player and smell the mile-high blondies she’d gotten up extra early to make. It’s not going to feel the same sitting around the hookah as a family without her half passed out on the couch.”

“The house is just so much quieter this year without Grandma’s voice constantly encouraging us all to ‘spark another one,’” Julia continued. “I miss her giggle so much.”

Other family members agreed that it was hard not to be overwhelmed with emotions on 4/20 when catching a glimpse of their grandmother’s favorite brand of rolling papers or her cobalt blue glass pipe, which they said induced a flood of memories of their departed loved one.

“When we were passing the joint earlier and it came back around the circle so quickly, it was just another reminder that she’s really gone,” said Osterman’s son Richard, 52. “There are so many little things she used to do to make 4/20 feel special: the matching stocking caps she knit us, the extra blankets she always had out in case we got the chills. But the thing I’ll miss most is just seeing her sitting in her old bean bag chair, watching that VHS copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey just completely blazed out of her mind. That’s the way I’ll always remember her.”

“Still, as long as her strain of sour diesel is growing out in the backyard, it’s like there’s still a part of her with us,” added Osterman, wiping away a tear.

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