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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes

THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency

Biden mulls over the prospect of making a fresh start and finally living on the up and up.
Biden mulls over the prospect of making a fresh start and finally living on the up and up.

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.

Biden, who longtime aides confirmed had made numerous phone calls inquiring about good, honest minimum-wage jobs, vowed to cease taking part in a variety of scams and petty crimes and move far away from the nation’s capital, where he believed he could finally make something of himself and become a productive member of society.

“I’ve lived like there’s no tomorrow for fuck knows how many years now, but mark my words, sooner or later, if I don’t straighten out, some hardass will be throwing Uncle Joe in the joint or a pine overcoat,” said the vice president, who expressed a deep sense of regret that his back-alley street dice game, his “plum” fencing racket, and his bootleg merchandise operation had caused so much pain for loved ones. “Everybody knows trouble fits me like a pair of tight cutoffs that only cover half your ass cheeks. I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of, and a whole lot more that I sure as hell can’t remember. Got nothing to show for it except a few scars, a bitchin’ spoiler on the Zam, and a rap sheet longer than my dong.”

“From now on, I gotta keep a low profile and steer clear of Johnny Law,” continued Biden. “It’s time for Ol’ Joe to play it straight.”

The vice president reportedly took a long drag from a cigarette and slowly exhaled through his nostrils while describing the shady deals and criminal offenses that ultimately led to his sudden desire to “get [his] ass in gear” and “ditch this dump of a city once and for all.” Biden told reporters he had grown sick of the all-night parties, sleeping in past noon every day, and keeping his head on a swivel for rival “bud peddlers,” hired guns, and any number of “batshit crazy” members of Congress he had “gotten into dustups with” during his six terms in the Senate.

In addition, White House officials confirmed that Biden had repeatedly asked outgoing President Obama in recent weeks to pull a few strings to enroll the 74-year-old in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

“I’ve been on the horn hitting up Barry to do me a real solid and help old Joey Scranton out of this jam,” said Biden, adding that a fresh start in a faraway place with a new identity would be the easiest way for him to leave “the game” and keep him out of county lockup. “Lately, all my ‘sure things’ have been pretty iffy, so I don’t give a rip where I set up shop. I just need to cut out and stop rubbing elbows with a bunch of good-for-nothing dirtbags like the Gooch, T-Bone, and Pelosi, who will sell you out in zero seconds flat as soon as the fuzz start sniffing around.”

“I can hang my hat anywhere and keep myself squeaky clean as long as I’ve got some green coming in and Blaze at my side,” the vice president added. “I also asked Barry to do right by Jill and hawk a pound of the dank yerba I stashed up in the fireplace in the Oval Office so she has a sweet nest egg. Might not make it back to these parts, so I told him to say so long to Jilly for me, since I’m not into big send-offs.”

The vice president informed reporters he was ready to settle down and find a profession that was on the level, noting that he would be “sitting pretty” as long as he landed a job that brought in $12,000 a year, and mentioning he would gladly accept a “real cushy” position washing dishes at a restaurant, fetching shopping carts at a supermarket, or selling car parts at a reputable chop shop.

Biden added he was also “keeping an ear to the ground” for any roadie gigs “hauling amps” for Foghat.

“I’m too damn old to be living outside the law anymore—you can’t keep pissing into the wind forever,” Biden said. “I just want to be a totally upright citizen who busts his hump for the man all day, punches the clock, and then heads home to pull bongs until dawn. Just like everybody else.”

At press time, sources confirmed Biden heard the sound of distant sirens, stated “I gotta tear ass out of this rathole town,” and scrambled out a second-story window.

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