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News in Brief

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Indiana Becomes Fourth State To Ban Great Sex

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the lead of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Georgia, the Indiana legislature Tuesday passed “HB 1679: Prohibiting Sexual Intercourse Of An Excessively Pleasurable Nature,” officially becoming the fourth state in the country to outlaw great sex.

Yellow Cross Receives Record 10,000 Liters Of Urine Donations

NEW YORK—Saying they were elated with the number of people who took time out of their day to relieve themselves for a good cause, officials at the Yellow Cross announced Wednesday that the organization received a record 10,000 liters of urine during its annual spring donation drive.
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Chipotle Mayo Doing All The Heavy Lifting In Sandwich

STERLING, CO—Saying the condiment was really putting the rest of the team on its back, area man Kevin Bentley confirmed Thursday that the chipotle mayo was doing all the heavy lifting in his sandwich. “Looks like this mayo is going to have to carry us across the finish line, because there’s absolutely nothing else on this sandwich that has anything going for it,” said Bentley, explaining that the spicy southwestern spread would, as usual, have to lead the charge since the roast turkey had zero to contribute, and the shredded lettuce was essentially dead weight. “The soggy tomato sure as hell isn’t helping, and that single slice of swiss cheese might as well have not shown up today. The bread should be pitching in a lot more, but it’s just sitting there like it knows the chipotle mayo is going to bail it out eventually—which it will, of course, just like always.” At press time, realizing that even chipotle mayo couldn’t prop up every sandwich on its own indefinitely, Bentley tried easing its burden by adding some crushed potato chips.

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