News in Brief

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Stephen Hawking Reportedly Working On Juicy Tell-All Formula

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Suggesting that the revelatory new work would “completely shake things up” and “get everyone talking,” Cambridge University sources close to Stephen Hawking reported Thursday that the world-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist was working on a new juicy tell-all formula.
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Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet

WASHINGTON—Noting that the vulnerable organ is exposed practically all the time, a report released Monday confirmed that it’s a miracle nothing has punctured your eye yet. According to researchers, it is astonishing that your eyeball has not been ruptured in the decades comprising your life so far, given that a tiny stray projectile or slender pointed object such as a tree branch would be more than sufficient to do so. The report also found that it is particularly remarkable that your eye has not been pierced clean through in light of the fact you have not one but two eyeballs, both equally susceptible to a sudden, terrifying perforation that would instantly release the ocular fluids inside. Experts concluded, however, that there remains ample time for a passing car to run over a pebble at high speed and launch it directly into your face, blinding you permanently before you can blink.

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