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News in Brief

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.
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12-Year-Old Who Got Her Hair Curled For Spring Dance The Very Image Of Old Hollywood Glamour

BELMONT, NC—Channeling the timeless elegance of the silver screen, 12-year-old Kaitlyn Falk was reportedly the very image of old Hollywood glamour after getting her hair curled by her aunt for her middle school’s spring dance on Friday. Sources confirmed that the well-coiffed sixth-grader, radiant in her JCPenney dress and borrowed Steve Madden heels, could easily have been mistaken for Audrey Hepburn as she applied a watermelon-scented lip gloss for what might as well have been a lavish soiree at Cary Grant’s seaside estate. And despite being a full four inches shorter than his leading lady, Falk’s date was reportedly the absolute essence of a Tinseltown heartthrob, a modern-day Clark Gable with his gelled-back hair, short-sleeve button-down shirt, and penny loafers that were worn a week earlier at a classmate’s bar mitzvah. At press time, the couple could very well have been walking the same red carpet as Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall as they stepped out of the Chrysler Pacifica chauffeured by Falk’s dad and basked in the flashes of their own cell phone cameras.

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