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News in Brief

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass

VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday atop a giant gleaming lamb to deliver Easter Mass.

Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work

LAS VEGAS—Fearing the regrettable incident from his past would continue to follow him for the rest of his life, white Bengal tiger Montecore confirmed Friday he was still struggling to find work after mauling magician Roy Horn during a show at the Mirage casino in 2003.

Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Confirming that the findings were consistent across all age, gender, racial, and socioeconomic demographics, a study published Monday in ‘The American Journal of Psychology’ determined that “hangin’ in there” is the best one can ever expect to feel.
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Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges

ROME—Complaining that He had better things to do than get up early to contest the “totally bullshit” claims, Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God, reportedly appeared in Roman Municipal Court on Wednesday to face several 2,000-year-old riot charges. “Like, I wasn’t even in Jerusalem during the Cleansing of the Temple, so I have no clue why I’m being accused of all this stuff,” said Christ, who elected to represent Himself in the proceedings, during which He forcefully denied a series of millennia-old allegations including disturbing the peace by overturning the tables of moneylenders, incitement to riot by pouring out their coins, and flouting Roman open-container laws by carrying a chalice of red wine in the streets of Galilee. “I’ve been getting these harassing summons letters every three weeks for, like, thousands of years, but how can you expect me to show up when I haven’t been anywhere near the earthly realm in forever? Well, I’m here now, so maybe when the judge is done with his little power trip, he can show me the slightest bit of evidence that I broke even one single law. This is such blatant fascism, it’s not even funny.” At press time, Christ had begrudgingly agreed to plead guilty to a single misdemeanor charge and pay a fine of 500 Roman denarii.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

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