News In Brief

Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.13.12 | News in Brief

LEXINGTON, KY—As a video of two women fellating a man streamed on his laptop, 36-year-old Timothy Barchuk reminisced Monday about a simpler time when he pleasured himself using only still images from the Internet. more»
Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.12.12 | News in Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday... more»
New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.11.12 | News in Brief

CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for d... more»
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | News in Brief

UTICA, NY—A poll released Tuesday by Zogby International found that 72 percent of Americans would prefer it if things could go right, just this one time, without something inevitably coming along and screwing everything up. more»
Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | News in Brief

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincinnati area reported multiple sightings of a nonindigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and t... more»
New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News in Brief

PRINCETON, NJ—A new biography by science historian Tanya Medel has rocked the physics world with the revelation that theoretical physicist Albert Einstein wasn't smart enough to invent Microsoft Word and use it to devise his theory of relativity. more»
Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News in Brief

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress. more»
Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book. more»
Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles. more»
Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.05.12 | News in Brief

LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "... more»
Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | News in Brief

BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ... more»
Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c... more»
New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | News in Brief

TUCSON, AZ—A University of Arizona study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology suggests that some adult humans may occasionally feel compassion, a trait scientists have long considered beyond the capacity of the species. more»
Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn... more»
Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI BEACH, FL—Sparing no expense to celebrate his 14-point win over Newt Gingrich in last night's Florida primary, Mitt Romney hosted a lavish all-night rave at Miami's Club Amnesia Tuesday, packing the popular hot spot with a crowd of more than 2... more»
Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd h... more»
Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. more»
Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

DAMASCUS—Noting that without the brutal subjugation of its masses a totalitarian state is effectively meaningless, Syrian officials announced this week that the country is experiencing a severe shortage of civilians to tyrannize. more»
Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the most conventionally attractive girls on boxes of their trademark cookies. more»
Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.29.12 | News in Brief

AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo s... more»
Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-... more»
New Law Prohibits Kaleidoscoping While Driving

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

TRENTON, NJ— Citing the nearly 1,500 deaths that occurred in the United States last year as a result of kaleidoscoping while driving, New Jersey governor Chris Christie signed legislation Friday banning the practice. more»
Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. more»
Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Saying he came bearing an important message from the past, a stranger from the year 1998 appeared on the Capitol steps Thursday and urged voters not to elect Newt Gingrich president in 2012. more»
Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. more»
North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In a sign that North Korea is finally returning to normal following the death of Kim Jong-il, the country reportedly held a festive synchronized disco jump-rope gala in Pyongyang's main public square this week. more»
Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News in Brief

RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, does... more»
Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.22.12 | News in Brief

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local third-grader Dylan Gardener, 8, prayed before bed Sunday that a steep decline in tax revenues combined with the decisive failure of a recent bond measure would force school closings throughout the greater Chicago area tomor... more»
Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Brief

BOSTON—After reading the final draft Saturday morning, local man Chris Peters, 27, was relieved to discover the short story written by his friend Mark Carter, 26, was absolutely terrible. more»
Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day. more»

News in Brief

Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet

Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion

Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once

Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word

Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles

Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories

Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion

Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress

Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box

Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There

New Law Prohibits Kaleidoscoping While Driving

Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala

Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow

Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks

Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

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Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

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