News In Brief

Errant Keystroke Produces Character Never Before Seen By Human Eyes

ISSUE 48•18 | 04.30.12 | News in Brief

SAN MATEO, CA—Following an accidental keystroke combination Monday, local woman Kate Garret’s computer displayed a strange, never-before-seen typographical character that experts have since confirmed does not belong to the written language of ... more»
Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.25.12 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Saying they held no grudge against him and were just glad he was back where he belongs, a group of cultural footnotes from the 1990s announced today that they were happy to welcome home former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich... more»
Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.22.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Confirming years of speculation, a new study from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Animal Health Monitoring System has found that red meat significantly increases the risk of premature death in cows. more»
George H.W. Bush Hasn't Seen Anyone From His Secret Service Detail In Years

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.21.12 | News in Brief

HOUSTON—President George H.W. Bush realized Tuesday it had been several years since he had seen any members of the Secret Service detail that was assigned to protect him for the rest of his life. more»
Man Just Wants To Come Home, Hear Lindsay Lohan Made Fun Of, Get Some Sleep

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.21.12 | News in Brief

BELLEVUE, NE—Having just put in another double shift at work, 41-year-old utility worker Charlie Bellows reported Tuesday that he would like nothing more than to return home, sit on his couch, listen to utterly predictable jokes about troubled starl... more»
Shit, Friend Just Said Something To Obnoxious Drunk Guy On Bus

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.20.12 | News in Brief

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Fuck, according to sources, there's this guy on the bus who is belligerent and obviously drunk and your friend just decided to play the hero and go say something to him. more»
Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.20.12 | News in Brief

LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. ... more»
Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.19.12 | News in Brief

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c... more»
Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.11.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Though most observers believed Mitt Romney had the 2012 Republican presidential nomination wrapped up, the 2016 campaign of New Jersey governor Chris Christie came out of nowhere Wednesday to convince delegates that the future candidate d... more»
Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.10.12 | News in Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Following Rick Santorum's announcement Tuesday that he would end his bid for the Republican presidential nomination, candidate Newt Gingrich called upon frontrunner Mitt Romney to drop out of the race so the former House speaker could co... more»
Sweeping New Labor Reforms Allow Foxconn Employees To Work In Inhumane Conditions From Home

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.05.12 | News in Brief

BEIJING—Following an independent audit that uncovered major labor violations in Chinese factories responsible for producing iPhones, iPads, and numerous other Apple products, electronics manufacturer Foxconn agreed Thursday to sweeping new reforms t... more»
Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.04.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tues... more»
Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.04.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday. more»
Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.03.12 | News in Brief

SANFORD, FL—Amidst the controversy surrounding the recent shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, the Sanford Police Department cautioned Florida residents Tuesday against taking the law into their own hands, except when following the state st... more»
Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension

ISSUE 48•13 | 04.01.12 | News in Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—With the Sunday afternoon departure of friends visiting from Chicago for the weekend, the apartment of Gary and Felicia Mylan ceased being a warm, open household and returned to its normal atmosphere of icy resentment. more»
Report: Majority Of Instances Of People Getting Lives Back On Track Occur Immediately After Visit To Buffalo Wild Wings

ISSUE 48•13 | 04.01.12 | News in Brief

SEATTLE—According to a University of Washington report published Friday, more than two-thirds of major lifestyle reassessments take place after exiting a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise. more»
'The Natural' Not On TV Often Enough For Area Dad

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.31.12 | News in Brief

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Local father Ken Hosmer voiced his disapproval Sunday concerning the frequency with which cable television channels air the 1984 film The Natural. more»
Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.30.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use. more»
New Walgreens Facebook Plugin Allows Users To See What Prescriptions Friends Are Picking Up

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.28.12 | News in Brief

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to enhance its social media presence, Walgreens pharmacies announced Wednesday the launch of "RxSocial," a new Facebook plugin that enables users to "view, share, and comment on" the... more»
'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.27.12 | News in Brief

CARBONDALE, IL—Citing the fact that he's now able to make the minimum payment on his credit cards each month and is back in the workforce making $20,000 less than when he was laid off in 2009, 43-year-old Tom Baker declared Tuesday that the ec... more»
Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.26.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are citing the U.S. more»
Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.25.12 | News in Brief

PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put ou... more»
Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.23.12 | News in Brief

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing. more»
New Porno Worth Checking Out Even For People Who Aren’t Familiar With 5 Guys Jerking Off On Single Pair Of Tits

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.22.12 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Adult film fans have praised the newly released Batter Splatter 9, calling the 43-minute pornographic DVD accessible even to people who aren't previously acquainted with five guys jerking off on a single set of tits. more»
Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.21.12 | News in Brief

CHICAGO—A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers. more»
Military Now Considering Limiting Soldiers With Severe PTSD To 3 Combat Tours

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.21.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Following the alleged murder of 16 Afghan civilians by Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales, the U.S. more»
Your Dog Died

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.20.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Though it's a really lousy thing to have to read about in the newspaper, preliminary reports released Monday indicate that your dog died this weekend while you were out of town, and that they're really sorry you had to find out about it l... more»
Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.19.12 | News in Brief

ROCHESTER, NY—Premium eyewear manufacturer Ray-Ban confirmed Monday it has "some very real doubts" about whether its summer 2012 line of sunglasses is something American consumers will be able to pull off. more»
Poll: 96% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Drummer

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.18.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a Zogby poll released this week, 96 percent of rock groups across the nation are currently in search of a slightly better drummer. more»
Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.17.12 | News in Brief

HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told reporters Friday the school has somehow managed to carry on without them. more»

News in Brief

Errant Keystroke Produces Character Never Before Seen By Human Eyes

Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life

George H.W. Bush Hasn't Seen Anyone From His Secret Service Detail In Years

Man Just Wants To Come Home, Hear Lindsay Lohan Made Fun Of, Get Some Sleep

Shit, Friend Just Said Something To Obnoxious Drunk Guy On Bus

Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election

Sweeping New Labor Reforms Allow Foxconn Employees To Work In Inhumane Conditions From Home

Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment

Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That

Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension

Report: Majority Of Instances Of People Getting Lives Back On Track Occur Immediately After Visit To Buffalo Wild Wings

'The Natural' Not On TV Often Enough For Area Dad

Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

New Walgreens Facebook Plugin Allows Users To See What Prescriptions Friends Are Picking Up

'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To

Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

New Porno Worth Checking Out Even For People Who Aren’t Familiar With 5 Guys Jerking Off On Single Pair Of Tits

Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers

Military Now Considering Limiting Soldiers With Severe PTSD To 3 Combat Tours

Your Dog Died

Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses

Poll: 96% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Drummer

Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan