WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all ...

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since ...

NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about ...

LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always ...

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today ...

DANIA, FL—Stating that things are “just really crazy right now,” local man James Kinter told reporters Monday that an appointment to pick up an ...

CHICAGO—While stressing that racial profiling is degrading and has made his life more difficult in a great many ways, 29-year-old Egyptian-American Tarek Yasin admitted ...

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James ...

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to ...

CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source ...

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending ...

NEW YORK—An American entertainment magazine has run, in its most recent issue, an article about comedian and actor Louis C.K., sources reported this ...

WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad ...

DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at ...

DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time ...

PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything ...

HOMS, SYRIA—As Syrian military aircraft rained chlorine gas on his community Tuesday, local man Amir Najjar, 36, reportedly assured himself that military and humanitarian ...

BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star ...

NEW YORK—A news article published Tuesday about how One World Trade Center will soon become the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere contained a ...

NEW YORK­­—With the announcement of the 67th Annual Tony Award nominations Tuesday morning, new Broadway musical Loud, Desperate Need For Approval is leading the ...