HOLLYWOOD, CA–In a gala Hollywood burial, The Land Before Time VI: The Secret Of Saurus Rock, the latest installment in Universal Pictures' and Amblin ...

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday ...

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the ...

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 ...

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh ...

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree ...

MORRISTOWN, NJ–A romance straight out of a storybook has led to a marriage straight out of an in-flight magazine, it was reported Monday. "Matthew ...

HOUSTON–Carpet salesman Martin Janowski, 53, was able to forget about carpeting for just a little while Monday after consuming a fifth of Jim Beam ...

WAUKEGAN, IL–A distinct urine odor was detected in the vicinity of area first-grader Josh Mills Monday. Though the presence of urine was not confirmed ...

SOME BEACH–The life of this one guy on TV was cut tragically short Monday when this giant killer shark ripped the shit out of ...

UNITED NATIONS–A U.N. report released Monday traces last week's saving of the Earth to Working Assets' long-distance plan. "Working Assets, with its ...

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized ...

BETHESDA, MD–Beautiful, hand-tooled, leather-bound copies of the greatest works of Western literature "really spiffed up" the den of Elaine Gadsen Monday. "I just love ...

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy ...

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno ...

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not ...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle ...

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a ...

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the ...

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read ...