AUSTIN, TX—The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting, non-renewable fossil fuel buried far ...

DES MOINES, IA—The Iowa Board of Tourism is attempting to draw visitors to Des Moines, which attracted just 21 tourists last year, with an ...

NEW YORK—Comedy Central reached a milestone at 3 a.m. EST Monday, when it aired Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin' for the one millionth time ...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to local Christian Matthew Peete, a remarkable parallel exists between your current situation and events chronicled in The Bible. "You know, when ...

SAN RAFAEL, CA—In the special-effects company's most dazzling achievement yet, Industrial Light & Magic has created a storyline for the upcoming sci-fi thriller Orbital ...

GOSHEN, IN—For the 41st straight day, Goshen fifth-grader Peter Driscoll refused to shut up about raccoons Tuesday. "The largest raccoon ever recorded weighed over ...

NEW YORK—New York City Health Department officials announced a major crackdown on non-meat-wiping food vendors Monday. "Effective June 30, when a hot dog falls ...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Homeowner Gilbert Voss will be damned if he knows what that donut-shaped plastic thing in his kitchen junk drawer is for, it ...

PLANO, TX—Insufferable local jerk Frederick Schoepke announced Tuesday that he is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him and see where ...

FOREST HILLS, NY—A brief ceremony Monday marked Queens delivery boy Richie Crowell's ascension into delivery manhood. "Richie, today you are a delivery man ...

DETROIT—Area bus passenger Robert Herndon, clutching his head and rocking back and forth in agonized pain, was utterly ignored by fellow bus passengers Tuesday ...

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of Crovan were found in Clinton ...

NEWTON, MA—Matthew Denny, a 17-year-old suburban Caucasian, is recuperating following a harrowing near-def experience Monday at Newton's NorthTowne Mall. "He came out of ...

An estimated $800 billion in damage was caused Monday when a horde of bloodthirsty Mongols sacked and pillaged the U.S. The horse-mounted Mongol warriors ...

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in ...

WASHINGTON, DC—A Defense Department report released Monday stated that the U.S. has barely a year and a half before its enormous stockpile of ...

Released only a few months ago, the new wonder-drug Viagra is providing hope for thousands of impotent stand-up acts across the U.S. "Could you ...

NASHUA, NH—A copy of Monday's New York Times was discarded at approximately 6:40 p.m. Monday, with only two percent of its ...

LOS ANGELES—It was learned Tuesday that Brute Force, a USA Original Movie slated to air on the USA cable network this Saturday, is actually ...

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—Brownie, a 12-year-old mixed-breed dog owned by the Wilcox family of Klamath Falls, reached its 11th year of being ignored Monday. "The ...