REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in ...

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of ...

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song ...

ENID, OK—Formicidae Polyergus Queen FPS-4003651-D407 is gorged on nutrient paste and resting comfortably following Monday’s successful delivery of a beautiful ant larva, designated ...

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, FBI director Louis Freeh released an artist’s rendering Monday of the home he has dreamed of all ...

NEW ORLEANS—Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his birthday with a quiet party at his home Sunday, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to ...

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a survey released Friday by the Department of Agriculture, after more than 150 years on top, farming is no longer the ...

STAMFORD, CT—Noted philanthropic elf Santa Claus was killed Monday in an electric-razor crash during a practice run for his annual global gift delivery. According ...

NEW YORK—Reaffirming its commitment to the Greek-mustachioed-New-Age-synthesizer arts, PBS announced Monday that it will continue to air loads of that Yanni shit. "We’ve ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney Pictures announced Monday that it has signed Rick Moranis to star in Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit, the 27th production in ...

DECATUR, IL—Area large man Lawrence Schickle reinforced his sedentary lifestyle Sunday with the decision to remain in bed all day. "I shall not venture ...

ROANOKE, VA—Thomas Campa, a retiring 40-year employee of Wadman & Long Distributing, was presented with a small pewter object Tuesday in recognition of his four ...

WASHINGTON, DC—In a formal Oval Office ceremony Monday, President Clinton was stripped of his authority as leader of the free world, forced to kneel ...

MIDWEST—Neighboring states are growing increasingly worried about North Dakota after not hearing from the state for 48 hours. "North Dakota tends to keep to ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News ...

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to ...

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated following the appearance of an enormous ...

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former U.S ...

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were ...

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the ...