MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad ...

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are scrambling to purchase tickets ...

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line, "get-tough" stance against ...

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that he is ...

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a "zero tolerance" stance against the growing problem of young adulthood in the U.S., Congress approved legislation Monday allocating $40 million ...

WASHINGTON, DC—Former Playboy playmate and veteran erotic straight-to-video actress Shannon Tweed was chosen by President Clinton Monday to head the newly created U.S ...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Area resident Jeff Neary was warmly thanked by the Coca-Cola Corporation Monday for his participation in their "Coca-Cola Red Hot Summer Game." "Thanks ...

MILTON, MA—A terrifying monster broke into a local boy's room Sunday night, brutally murdering and devouring the child despite the presence of a ...

PORTLAND, OR—Greg Fox, a lifelong Brooklyn, NY, resident who recently moved to Portland, announced his great disappointment in the local bagel scene Monday. "There ...

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Monday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands ...

EARTH—Several millennia of relative stability and order came to an end Tuesday as global civilization collapsed, plunging the planet into a chaotic gallimaufry of ...

SAUSALITO, CA—A report released Friday by Sausalito city officials revealed that area fitness enthusiast and power walker Linda Williams looks absolutely ridiculous. "Oh, man ...

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton publicly distanced himself from the office of president and all duties therein at a press conference Monday. "Fuck this president shit ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to reach the coveted under-70 demographic, The New York Times announced Monday it will add color to its traditional black-and-white ...

NEW YORK—Noted rapper/producer Sean "Puffy" Combs released his hotly anticipated new single Tuesday, "Tha Kidd (Is Not My Son)," which samples Michael Jackson ...

ROYAL OAK, MI—The airline industry is reeling following a scathing indictment of its in-flight cuisine Saturday by stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli. "How about that ...

LOS ANGELES—Spokespersons for Larry Flynt Publications are scrambling to explain the poor sales of Hustler magazine's first annual swimsuit issue, crammed from cover ...

ASHEVILLE, NC—Citing an abundance of great things to do in Virginia Beach and a limited amount of time in which to do them, area ...

NEW YORK—It was learned Monday that for many decades, an "underground railroad" has been in operation in New York City, transporting thousands of slaves ...