ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man ...

WASHINGTON—Sources across the nation confirmed today that the font in this article is too small.

STAMFORD, CT—Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend ...

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told ...

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior ...

SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny ...

WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all ...

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since ...

NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about ...

LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always ...

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today ...

DANIA, FL—Stating that things are “just really crazy right now,” local man James Kinter told reporters Monday that an appointment to pick up an ...

CHICAGO—While stressing that racial profiling is degrading and has made his life more difficult in a great many ways, 29-year-old Egyptian-American Tarek Yasin admitted ...

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James ...

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to ...

CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source ...

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending ...

NEW YORK—An American entertainment magazine has run, in its most recent issue, an article about comedian and actor Louis C.K., sources reported this ...

WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad ...

DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at ...