MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American ...

BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion ...

BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take ...

MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone ...

PENSACOLA, FL—After Monday’s deadly explosions at the Boston Marathon cast a pall over Conner Mason’s 7th birthday celebration, the Mason family reportedly ...

ST. LOUIS—Following the deadly explosions Monday that rocked the city of Boston, area man Tom Sifton told reporters he’s getting pretty tired of ...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced ...

PAMPLONA, SPAIN—In a dangerous and completely coincidental confluence of events, three vacationing American movie characters were reportedly almost trampled to death when they just ...

MINNEAPOLIS—After packing up his apartment and moving across the country to Minneapolis this weekend, area man Matthew Goddard told reporters that though he has ...

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, though more than a decade has passed since the events of 9/11 ...

LOS ANGELES—Though they harbored serious reservations about his proposed ideas and considered nearly all of them to be formulaic rehashes of story elements and ...

EUGENE, OR—The members of local rock band Desert Ashes expect their careers to really take off following a rave write-up in music blog soundandfury ...

HARRISBURG, PA—After experiencing the intoxicating, extreme high of watching a 56-car freight train pass before his eyes last week, 3-year-old junkie Logan Gunter reportedly ...

JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice ...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Noting his furtive glances, suggestive body language, and the fact that he’s been laughing at all of her jokes, local exotic dancer ...

MINNEAPOLIS—According to sources, well, well, well, doesn’t this local businessman look very dapper indeed in his fancy little suit and shiny shoes as ...

WELLS, NV—According to Lynford family sources, Uncle Jack took a swing at giving Kyle a book for his birthday on Wednesday and struck out ...

WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James ...

At a press conference this morning, Vice President Selena Meyer denounced a non-existent Chinese 'International Space Prison', after mistakenly believing a reporter's joke as ...

SPOKANE, WA—After visiting feminist news and culture blog Jezebel Wednesday morning, local woman Rebecca Lovett, 29, reported feeling “betrayal’s stinging lance” upon discovering ...