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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

CINCINNATI—Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Jefferson High School officials reportedly fired 10th-grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her.

Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine

WASHINGTON—Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine.

Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

WASHINGTON—According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. “According to our figures, Blakes from coast to coast have secured more than half of all available lifeguarding jobs, cruising through fitness, CPR, and swimming trials with ease,” American Red Cross president Gail McGovern said, adding that the lifeguard staffs at over 200 municipal pools, seashores, and water parks would be composed entirely of Blakes this summer.

Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings

AKRON, OH—Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years.

Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

PARIS—Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday by the International Astronomical Union has concluded that Earth is located in “by far the lamest” region of the observable universe.

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn’t actually be all that hard.

Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat

WASHINGTON—Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat, an essential staple of the lunatic diet.

Area Man Lacks Star Power Necessary To Carry Major Motion Picture

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Noting that the 37-year-old does not possess the looks, charisma, talent, or name recognition of a successful leading man, Hollywood insiders agreed Thursday that local account manager Dennis Kerning’s star power is not sufficient to carry a major motion picture.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to do anything about them.

Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

NEW YORK—Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous CEO.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

DALLAS—In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats.

Officials from the bus carrier confirmed that all 1,200 active vehicles in the Greyhound fleet have been outfitted with a limited number of More Tolerable seats featuring considerably fewer sweat stains and troubling damp patches on the upholstery, as well as increased legroom due to a reduction in garbage piled on the floor.

“With our new More Tolerable premium option, customers will enjoy a level of comfort and luxury never before experienced on our bus lines,” said Greyhound CEO David Leach, noting that the first four rows of each coach will now boast such amenities as seat backs with just a few cigarette burns and plastic armrests only partially coated with an unidentifiable brown tacky substance. “Exclusive perks include window casings virtually clear of crusted bodily fluids and footwells with substantially fewer crumpled-up Wendy’s bags.”

“Now, our riders can reach their preferred destination while experiencing the very best Greyhound has to offer,” Leach added.


According to company representatives, for an extra $12.50, customers will be able to enjoy wall panels with a maximum of three hardened patches of chewing gum containing several matted strands of human hair. The upgrade also reportedly guarantees that the netted pocket on the seat in front of a rider will not be entirely filled with used tissues and yellowed racing forms.

In addition, sources confirmed, the More Tolerable seating on each of Greyhound’s 122 regular and express routes will be treated with powerful industrial fragrances twice a year to mask the accumulated smells of thousands of cross-country passengers and the various food items and dipping sauces they have ground into the seat fabric.

“With the upgrade, a customer on an overnight trip from Fort Wayne to Little Rock can just kick back and relax to the sounds of the road and, at most, one Gatorade bottle full of expectorated chewing tobacco rolling up and down the aisle,” said Leach, boasting that premium seats recline easily and only on occasion malfunction in such a way that a rider’s chair back falls into the lap of whomever is sitting behind them. “Meanwhile, the brightness level on the shared TV screen will now be turned down just enough for passengers to make out most of the scenes from the movie Cop And A Half, assuming the monitor hasn’t shorted out.”

Leach also stated that premium seat occupants will be the carrier’s first riders allowed to enjoy small breaths of fresh air, having access to windows that can be opened up to half an inch. At the same time, he said, the overhead air conditioner vent that cannot be closed will now be freely adjustable between high and medium-high settings.

And in what is being touted as one of the most attractive features of the upgrade, those in More Tolerable rows will reportedly be granted early boarding privileges, allowing them to enter the bus without having to maneuver around any mentally ill, intoxicated, or morbidly obese passengers blocking the narrow aisle.

“When I heard the special seats would have only a few rusty upholstery tacks poking out from the seat cushion into the back of my legs, I reserved one immediately,” said George Maynard, a Bismarck, ND resident planning a trip to Chicago. “Sure, it’s a little more expensive, but I couldn’t say no to a window seat where the curtain has just one or two streaks of what is either human blood or strawberry-kiwi MD 20/20.”

“It’ll be nice to travel in comfort,” he added. “I can’t wait to treat myself to the 18-hour trip.”

More from this section

Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine

WASHINGTON—Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine.

Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

WASHINGTON—According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. “According to our figures, Blakes from coast to coast have secured more than half of all available lifeguarding jobs, cruising through fitness, CPR, and swimming trials with ease,” American Red Cross president Gail McGovern said, adding that the lifeguard staffs at over 200 municipal pools, seashores, and water parks would be composed entirely of Blakes this summer.

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