Bob Dylan Lays Off 2,000 Workers From Songwriting Factory
MUSCATINE, IA—Seeking to revitalize his musical operations following years of declining revenue and mounting production costs, musician Bob Dylan laid off 2,000 workers ...
News With Video
Area Man Panics After Accidentally 'Liking' 381 Of His Ex-Girlfriend’s Facebook Photos
BOISE, ID—As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 24, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course ...
Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling
BRACKNEY, PA—Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and ...
Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat
FREMONT, CA—Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday ...
'The State Of The Union Is Strong,' Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth
WASHINGTON—Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government ...
New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils
NEW YORK—Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers ...
PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc. reportedly met with White ...
Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes
WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace ...
Smitten Man Can't Believe Woman He's On Date With Also Into The Beatles
NEW YORK—In an astonishing coincidence of aligning personal interests, local 29-year-old Brad Holdtman reported last night that his 28-year-old blind date Pauline Geary is ...
Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher
WASHINGTON—Officials from the Interior Department hastily assembled a press conference Thursday after the government agency was reportedly swindled out of an estimated $18 million ...
And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow
NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all ...
Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers
CHICAGO—A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago’s South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas ...
Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else's Grains, Cereals Per Day
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary ...
NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA
HOUSTON—Nearly four years after launching its Kepler space telescope to search for worlds outside our solar system, NASA officials confirmed Tuesday they had yet ...
College Freshman's Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Citing various family emergencies, last-minute weddings, and impromptu hometown gatherings, the roommate of Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick has had an excuse to ...
Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists
ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN—Representatives of the Osama bin Laden Foundation announced Tuesday the winners of the 2013 Mohamed Atta Fellowship, an annually awarded scholarship and stipend ...
Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife
'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson
NEW YORK—Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had ...
Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory
NEW YORK—According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male ...
Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Calling his college experience “the greatest four years of [his] life,” 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of ...
Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That
BROOKLYN, NY—After discovering his mother had failed to pay his phone bill from last month, local resident Cormac Flannigan, 29, reminded her Tuesday to ...
