MOAB, UT—U.S. paleontologists reportedly unearthed a nearly intact skeleton of a Spazosaurus Tuesday, an extraordinary discovery providing evidence indicating that the awkward, uncoordinated ...

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s wanted to do something a little more personal for some time now, director Michael Bay, known for such big-budget ...

ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend ...

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father ...

GREENWICH, CT—Days after being admitted to the clinic’s intensive care unit, physicians at Greenwich Hospital relayed Thursday the improving condition of Invictus Mutual ...

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of ...

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would ...

WASHINGTON—According to a new study published Tuesday in The Journal Of American Psychology, a large majority of the U.S.

OAK BROOK, IL—More than 70 years after the opening of the first McDonald’s, the world’s largest fast food hamburger chain announced Thursday ...

WINDHELM, SKYRIM—Having completely filled out his skill tree, obtained every unique item, and successfully completed each quest and subquest within the expansive virtual world ...

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll conducted this week, the overwhelming majority of Americans admitted they would actually be fairly interested in having ...

NEW YORK—Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector ...

WINDEN FALLS, WA—Just days after a fatal accident claimed the life of high school sophomore Brian Tillerman, members of the 16-year-old’s loose-knit hometown ...

GREENSBURG, PA—Saying that the iconic number simply isn’t where it needs to be at this point, nearly everyone involved in The Greensburg Playhouse ...

CONSTELLATION HYDRA—Dashing the hopes of those among them who believed the faraway world would surely prove habitable, astronomers from the Terxus II star system ...

WASHINGTON—In spite of the rest of the world long having agreed to move on with their lives, a new report issued Monday reveals that ...

UNDISCLOSED—In the midst of the ongoing national debate over the recently revealed NSA surveillance of American citizens, a Yemeni al-Qaeda operative currently living covertly ...

WASHINGTON—As the debate over immigration reform continues in Congress, members of the Republican Party on Tuesday voiced their unequivocal support for the nation’s ...

WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one ...

STOCKTON, CA—While purchasing a single ticket to see a Monday afternoon screening of the Will Smith film After Earth, poor son of a bitch ...