News

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct

WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate... more»

48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | News

WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as "open-minded" and "very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconventional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive... more»

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ... more»

Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di... more»

New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. more»

Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | News

HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13... more»

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.04.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr... more»

'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | News

NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ... more»

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish personal lifestyle, residing with his family in a 132-room house staffed by a 24-hour se... more»

FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | News

SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Marylan... more»

Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | News

CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ... more»

Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?'

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet's resources—and that humankind needs to figure... more»

Romneymania Sweeps America

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | News

TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former M... more»

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho... more»

Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of the past decade, namely what public figure Miranda July's whole thing is, exactly. July—of... more»

Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative f... more»

Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. more»

Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

ISSUE 48•03 ISSUE 0• | 01.16.12 | News

ATLANTA—During a press event at Arby's headquarters last week, the company officially launched its new $2.99 Grab-N-Go Meal Deal, which allows patrons to go behind the counter at any franchise location and grab as much roast beef as they can with th... more»

Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.14.12 | News

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, people in comas experience excruciating, indescribable levels of pain whenever they hear the sound of a loved one's voice. The Johns Hopkins University st... more»

Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried On Secret Affair With Taxes For Years

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | News

WASHINGTON—In a scandal that strikes at the very heart of the American anti-tax movement, a series of incriminating photos surfaced online Thursday, revealing that, for decades, leading Republican power broker Grover Norquist has secretly engaged in... more»

Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Beltway sources confirmed rumors this week that the U.S. Capitol is haunted by the ghost of H.R. 4591 more»

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.07.12 | News

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl... more»

Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther said Thursday they ... more»

Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term

ISSUE 48•01 ISSUE 0• | 01.04.12 | News

PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President Barack Obama openly asked a campaign-rally crowd Tuesday why h... more»

Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | News

WORCESTER, MA—Residents of Worcester's Grafton Hill neighborhood acknowledged Monday they would not necessarily mind a Panera Bread franchise coming in and wiping out Callahan's, a charming, family-run bakery that has been a fixture of their communi... more»

Kim Jong-Un Privately Doubting He's Crazy Enough To Run North Korea

ISSUE 46•44 ISSUE 0• | 12.18.11 | News

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In surprisingly candid remarks Thursday, Kim Jong-un, heir apparent to North Korea's highest government post, expressed doubt that he was sufficiently out of his mind to succeed his father, longtime dictator Kim Jong-il. more»

Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.10.11 | News

CLAREMONT, CA—From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored with 24-year-old shitty street artist Adam Zane, the love-struck Tisselo told re... more»

Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.08.11 | News

BOSTON—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, getting smacked right across the mouth with a goddamn tree branch really fucking sucks, but after a minute or so, you're pretty much fine. The study, in which resea... more»

Secretary Of Agriculture Attends Diplomatic Meeting With Foreign Cabbage

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.07.11 | News

LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—In the latest stop on his goodwill tour to improve U.S. relations with foreign produce, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack attended a meeting Thursday with a fresh head of Slovenian cabbage. The high-level meeting, which included ... more»

Report: Global Warming May Be Irreversible By 2006

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.05.11 | News

GENEVA—A new report from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that global warming is likely to become completely irreversible if no successful effort is made to slow down the trend before 2006. Unless greenhouse-gas emiss... more»