Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene
BETHEL PARK, PA—A routine Schaeffer family movie night took a sudden and deeply uncomfortable turn Thursday when the family of four was forced to ...
News
Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip
AKRON, OH—Calling the situation dangerous and a rescue operation “very risky,” authorities have confirmed they will now lower a rescue chip into a seven-layer ...
Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those ...
Teen Pregnancy Rate Prompting More High Schools To Eliminate ‘Fuck Your Brains Out’ Program
WASHINGTON—A 150 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates over the past decade has led more high schools to eliminate “Fuck Your Brains Out,” a ...
Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn't Been This Gross In Years
GOLDEN, CO—Visibly beaming with pride, Boston Market CEO George Michel told reporters Thursday that the food at his restaurant chain “has rarely, if ever ...
Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave
SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the ...
SPONSORED: Today’s Ku Klux Klan: Back On Top And Ready For The Future
HARRISON, AR—When six former Confederate officers gathered in the winter of 1865 to establish a private social club, none of them could have dreamed ...
Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office
'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell
WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in ...
10-Year-Old Wishes Unemployed Father Couldn’t Make It To Just One Of His Little League Games
MODESTO, CA—Speaking with reporters before a game Monday, local Little Leaguer Nathan Garrett expressed his heartfelt wish that, just once, his unemployed father could ...
Obama Orders Reinvasion Of Iraq After Illuminating Trip Through Bush Presidential Library
DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered ...
Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together
Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You
DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake ...
Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend
PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working ...
Romney Drops By To See How Down-And-Out Family He Met On Campaign Trail Doing
CANTON, OH—According to reports, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by Wednesday morning to check up on Allen and Brenda Spearing, a financially strapped ...
Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail
BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today ...
Study: Wolf Attacks Still Leading Cause Of Death In U.S.
BETHESDA, MD—According to a new study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, for the 25th straight year, violent wolf attacks remain the ...
Nation Starting To Realize New Era Of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen
WASHINGTON—After nearly a decade of promises that the nation was on the brink of a technological, economic, and scientific golden age, citizens across the ...
BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?
WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s ...
Jesus, This Week
WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed ...
Internet Comes Up With 8.5 Million Leads On Potential Boston Bombing Suspect
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Monday’s terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon, sources reported today the internet had come up with approximately 8.5 ...
Boss Has Deft Touch For Making Employees Feel Like Shit
ROCHESTER, NY—Citing such examples as his understated eye rolls or how he often delivers a faint, judgment-filled “hmm” after an employee passionately presents an ...
