News

U.S. Citizen Resigns After Making Controversial Remark About Country

MATTOON, IL—Ending the firestorm of controversy that erupted after he made a highly critical comment about the United States, 43-year-old hardware store employee Keith Nellson bowed to public pressure Wednesday and announced he would be stepping dow... more»

Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.19.12 | News

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources have confirmed that at approximately 10:30 a.m. today all 6.5 million residents of Indiana spontaneously exited their homes and places of business, formed thousands of perfectly uniform rows, and appeared to join together in a c... more»

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.17.12 | News

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar. more»

Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.15.12 | News

WASHINGTON—As night settled over the nation’s capital Wednesday and a bright, full moon hung amid the twinkling stars and cast long shadows over the National Mall, all nine Supreme Court justices could be overheard drowsily bidding one another... more»

Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.14.12 | News

IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by “the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind” in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own in... more»

Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.12.12 | News

NEW YORK—A series of horrific, devastatingly injurious events failed to befall 33-year-old Flavorpill.com digital media developer Jake Reston as he confidently skated to work on his longboard, shocked witnesses reported today. Hundreds of aghast Man... more»

Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.08.12 | News

SAGINAW, MI—According to Franklin Middle School seventh-grader and closeted homosexual Ben McElroy, the highlight of his day is the 30 minutes between third and fourth period when he eats lunch on a staircase by himself. "It's nice to eat alone... more»

This Article Generating Thousands Of Dollars In Ad Revenue Simply By Mentioning New iPad

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.07.12 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—According to industry sources, this news article is generating a veritable bonanza of highly lucrative advertising revenue by mere virtue of the fact that it mentions Apple's new iPad. more»

All Of Nation's Resources Dumped Into 50 Children Who Are Actually The Future

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.07.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Stating it is time to rethink how the nation lays a foundation for a better tomorrow, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday that all of the federal government's resources will now be directed exclusively toward the 50 children who ac... more»

Vatican Dispatches Elite Team Of Bishops To Sabotage Contraceptive Manufacturer

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | News

VATICAN CITY—Anonymous sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched a crack team of six highly skilled bishops to sabotage the New York headquarters of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, a leading contraceptive manufa... more»

Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.05.12 | News

WASHINGTON—As Rick Santorum has emerged to become Mitt Romney's leading opponent for the Republican presidential nomination, the American electorate said Monday it had slowly begun to realize that the former Pennsylvania senator sincerely believes e... more»

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | News

LOS ANGELES—Stepping out of a chauffeured limousine just as dawn broke above Hollywood's Kodak Theatre Sunday morning, Brad Pitt and longtime partner Angelina Jolie arrived at the 84th Annual Academy Awards, taking their place on the red carpet a fu... more»

Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | News

AKRON, OH—According to witnesses, a tight-knit group of five female friends spent a wild night on the town Saturday, overindulging in emotionally supportive behavior and generally validating the living shit out of each other. Confirming the women ge... more»

Nation Trying, Okay?

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | News

NEW YORK—Pushed to the breaking point after constantly being taken to task for its shortcomings without ever hearing so much as a word of thanks for everything it does around here, an overwhelmed and infuriated nation announced Wednesday that it was... more»

Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session, prompting widespread confusion, fear, and suspicion among politica... more»

Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | News

BELLEVUE, NE—Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the charred remnants of what was once the state of Nebraska, was welcomed into the world at Omaha's Methodist H... more»

Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn't Possible, Demand Heath Ledger 'Dark Knight Rises' Appearance

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.16.12 | News

LOS ANGELES—Saying they don't want to hear anything at all about what film producers can or can't do, moviegoers across the country warned Thursday that the latest Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, had better include an appearance by the l... more»

Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.15.12 | News

RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To," with most saying they simply don't have it in them t... more»

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.13.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate... more»

48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | News

WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as "open-minded" and "very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconventional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive... more»

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ... more»

Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di... more»

New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. more»

Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | News

HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13... more»

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.04.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr... more»

'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.02.12 | News

NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ... more»

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish personal lifestyle, residing with his family in a 132-room house staffed by a 24-hour se... more»

FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | News

SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Marylan... more»

Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | News

CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ... more»

Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?'

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet's resources—and that humankind needs to figure... more»