Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This
BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that ...
News
This What World Like Now
BOSTON—After Monday’s horrific terror attack at the Boston Marathon that killed three and left hundreds injured, officials confirmed Tuesday that the bombings and ...
New Jackie Robinson Movie Probably Has Scene Where People Yell Things And He’s Upset And Wants To Fight Back But Doesn’t
LOS ANGELES—In anticipation of the release today of 42, the new Jackie Robinson biopic, moviegoers speculated that the film about the first African-American to ...
Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table
BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting, and the fact that a job applicant ...
Leading Social Media Site HarvardConnection Now Valued At $400 Billion
MENLO PARK, CA—Dawn breaks across San Francisco Bay, and on this brisk April day the only sound disturbing the morning quiet is the steady ...
Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke
WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis ...
Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus
LOS ANGELES—After dashing off an indiscernible code on his laptop keyboard and sharply striking the enter key multiple times with his forefinger, a fast-talking ...
China Announces Plans To Build International Space Prison
BEIJING—In a highly anticipated announcement that is being met with widespread enthusiasm by Chinese Communist Party officials across the country, the People’s Republic ...
Thousands Of Eggs Pushed Out Of Nests After Birds Legalize Abortion
WASHINGTON—Following the Bird Supreme Court’s decisive 7-2 ruling to overturn the avian world’s longstanding anti-abortion law, millions of birds across the nation ...
Roger Ebert Hails Human Existence As 'A Triumph'
CHICAGO—Calling the overall human experience “poignant,” “thought-provoking,” and a “complete tour de force,” film critic Roger Ebert praised existence Thursday as “an audacious and ...
Disney Finds Dozens Of Unauthorized Characters Appearing Illegally Inside Theme Park
ORLANDO, FL—Saying they were working diligently to address the problem, Walt Disney World officials acknowledged Wednesday that several dozen unauthorized characters, none of which ...
Coarse Sponge Excited To Join The Smith Family Dishwashing Team
MINNEAPOLIS—Shortly after it was purchased this week from a Bed, Bath, and Beyond and set beside the Smith family’s kitchen sink, a coarse ...
History Licking Its Chops To Judge George W. Bush
'Let Me At That Fucker,' Says Branch Of Knowledge
CRAWFORD, TX—Claiming it can barely wait any longer to weigh in on the former president’s eight years in office, history, the branch of ...
President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization
WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at ...
South Carolina Defends Right To Fly Hardee's Flag From State Capitol
COLUMBIA, SC—Faced with mounting pressure from critics who say it sends the wrong message about the state, residents of South Carolina have mounted a ...
Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job
LENEXA, KS—Hundreds gathered for a somber memorial service Thursday in honor of Stuart D’Abarno, 31, a firefighter killed in a residential blaze whom ...
The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage
This week, the United States Supreme Court heard arguments in a pair of cases whose outcomes will have a profound impact on homosexual rights in ...
Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening
QUEENS, NY—The Robert Mapplethorpe Children’s Museum officially opened its doors to the public Tuesday, drawing over 1,000 visitors with its interactive exhibits ...
Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'
WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal ...
Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto
WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court was rocked by tragedy Thursday when the judicial branch’s longtime sidekick, Kid Justice, was brutally murdered by the ...
