WASHINGTON, DC—A vast sea of U.S. citizens streamed through the streets of Washington Monday holding aloft a golden calf, one which government officials ...

BEIJING—According to China officials, refills are the poisonous creation of the Western capitalist running dog.

ANN ARBOR, MI—It's past midnight on a chilly Wednesday, and the shabby, velvet-lined guitar case in front of 16-year-old Alyssa Vincent is empty ...

OOTGROOT, FLANDERS—A peasant wedding in the Flemish town of Ootgroot degenerated into a drunken melee Friday, leaving several dead and the town's butter ...

STILLWATER, OK—Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee was long known for saying, "The word failure is not in my vocabulary." Author of the best-selling You Can ...

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—World Health Organization officials expressed disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other ...

WASHINGTON, DC—In what observers are calling a "radically intense" move, President Clinton unveiled a new "No Fear" foreign policy approach Monday, stating that in ...

PHOENIX—According to officials, students in Coach Peeler's gym class could be trying a lot harder.

ALBANY, NY—Royal Crown is jubilant after shattering the hard-to-reach double-digit sales barrier.

Big dreams are a way of life for Playboy centerfold Cyndi Tyler. The 22-year-old Miss January comes from a close-knit North Dakota family of big ...

LOS ANGELES—ABC announced Monday that it is cancelling Yeltsin!, the struggling two-year-old sitcom starring Russian president Boris Yeltsin.

AUSTIN, TX—In a formal ceremony cut short due to restlessness, the Fraternal Order of Stoners gathered Monday to award the 1996 Fraternal Order of ...

WASHINGTON, DC—Though already extremely painful, the physical sensation of pain will become markedly greater in the coming months, continuing to rise exponentially throughout 1997 ...

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the ...

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the 104th U.S. Congress were baffled Monday, their imaginations taxed beyond all reasonable limits by a mind-bending M.C. Escher ...

PALO ALTO, CA—Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University ...

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within the confines of a ...

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition.

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after Melissa Kenner's crowning as the brand-new Miss Teen USA Sunday, the 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior used her newfound ...