WASHINGTON, DC—Though already extremely painful, the physical sensation of pain will become markedly greater in the coming months, continuing to rise exponentially throughout 1997 ...

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the ...

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the 104th U.S. Congress were baffled Monday, their imaginations taxed beyond all reasonable limits by a mind-bending M.C. Escher ...

PALO ALTO, CA—Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University ...

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within the confines of a ...

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition.

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after Melissa Kenner's crowning as the brand-new Miss Teen USA Sunday, the 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior used her newfound ...

NEW YORK—Beloved actor Christopher Reeve, whose tragic paralysis vaulted him to new heights of public adoration—including a spot atop the Washington Monument—has ...

WASHINGTON, DC—In a humanitarian relief effort expected to greatly ease the pain of America's blighted inner cities, the federal government will begin importing ...

PHILADELPHIA—At any given moment, Randy Grebcyk might initiate a conversation with a total stranger.

ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a public ...

The tedious pre-death "waiting period" endured by still-alive senior citizens became slightly less boring Tuesday, with the introduction of Old People magazine.

CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming ...

RUSSELL, KS—After completing a distinguished career in politics spanning nearly 50 years, former Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole was re-released into his native prairie ...

NEW YORK—It was the end of an era in American entertainment Monday, as the 55-year history of television came to a close.

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the ...

WASHINGTON—In the largest self-allocation of liquor in its history, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted itself more scotch Monday.

CLEVELAND—X-Files fans from all over the Cleveland area flocked to the downtown Concourse Hotel this weekend to attend "Relating To Others X-ceptionally," a traveling ...

MORRISON, CO—The music world was shaken by tragedy Sunday night when members of the popular rock band Phish collapsed on stage after being overcome ...

KENNEBUNKPORT, ME—Before a packed press conference, former President George Bush announced Monday that he will soon begin a full withdrawal from the region of ...