WASHINGTON, DC—Paralyzed actor Christopher Reeve will remain atop the structure on permanent 24-hour display.

PALO ALTO, CA—This new find is Earth's nearest celestial neighbor, beating Alpha Centauri by four light years minus a few feet.

BRAMP, KS—Freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to their room.

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move hailed by the Clinton Administration as "a culinary turning point for our nation," and reviled by some Republicans as "over-governing ...

NEW YORK—An angry and visibly intoxicated Dalai Lama was arrested early this morning after assaulting a photographer outside the newly revamped Studio 54 discotheque ...

An ingenious new device has taken the architectural world by storm, and homeowners are voicing a common cry: "We want Floors!"

FALMOUTH, MA—Kevin Lassally, who likes to hold and kiss men, rescued a family of four from a deadly blaze.

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his ...

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its ...

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The McDonald's Corporation, ever dedicated to providing inexpensive, tasty and convenient food to as much of the world as possible, will be ...

Rousing shouts of "Prosit!" and boot-shaped vials frothing over with hearty, dark German-style crack are the order of the day at Hans von Kreutzen's ...

NEW YORK—Renamed the Sportin' Kids Family Fun Play Globe, the planet will soon be full of colorful plush items.

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing ...

SALEM, IN—In a move designed to relieve several years of pent-up sexual frustration, area teen Jeremy Royce is slated for fever-pitched, white-hot masturbation later ...

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the decennial ...

American voters were given a third political option yesterday when Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot and multi-millionaire publishing magnate/heir Steve Forbes announced that they ...

MINEOLA, NY—The Nassau County Department of Sanitation announced today that its recycling program will be expanded to include pickup and processing of the broken ...

In a move designed to send a "definite message to the Hussein regime," President Clinton yesterday deployed three divisions of elite American beefcake to maneuver ...

A U.S. Geographic Survey expeditionary force announced yesterday that it has discovered an unexplored and heretofore unknown land region between the New York and ...

ERIE, PA—There was nothing left below the knees of three party-goers yesterday, as 85,000 gallons of combustible fuel oil gushed through the living ...