United Nations Pledges $1.2 Billion In Indigestion Relief For U.S.
In what has been called the largest gastrointestinal rescue effort in history, the United Nations allocated $1.2 billion in antacid relief yesterday for the ...
News
Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community
THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by ...
Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business
Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers
SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its ...
U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum
Focus to Shift from Reading and Math to Likable Veteran Sitcom Star
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ushering in a new era in American education, U.S. Secretary of Education William Norwell announced Monday that all U.S.
Bill Gates To Get Half
REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting ...
Bumbling Astronauts Caught in Wacky 'Lunch-Launch' Mix-up
HOUSTON—The international aerospace community was shocked Monday when the experimental new Phoebus 3 Space Shuttle rocketed into space prematurely, manned only with two bumbling ...
Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father
ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her ...
U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'
WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S. Drug Czar Richard B. McTaggart, the nation’s Commander in Chief in the War on Drugs, held a press conference ...
New Secretary to Personalize Workspace
MINNEAPOLIS—U.S. Bureau of Departmental Operations secretary Helen Lastrom, 38, is slated to personalize her workplace, a six-foot square cubicle delineated by three grayish-brown ...
Tyrannical African Despot Installs Suggestion Box
Sudanese President-for-Life Welcomes Questions, Comments
KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In a move Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali is hailing as “a major step forward” for democracy in Africa, the United Nations announced Monday ...
Loveless Union Ends in Baby
ROCKFORD, IL—A loveless union resulted Monday in the birth of a baby who, according to area love experts, will almost certainly never receive the ...
Catholic Church Allows Gays to Serve as Altar Boys
VATICAN CITY—In a radical break from centuries of strict church doctrine, the Pope approved a measure yesterday that would allow gay men and boys ...
Independent Investigation: Special Olympics Fixed
Many ‘Winners’ Found to Have Lost Badly
Scandal rocked the sports world yesterday when a secret investigation revealed that the Special Olympics, one of the nation’s premier annual athletic competitions, is ...
Compton-Area Mother Warns Community: 'I Said No Hitting!'
COMPTON, CA—Gloria Harper, a Compton-area mother who has openly condemned inner-city violence in the past, spoke out yesterday against the recent outbreak of hitting ...
Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar
CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts ...
Area Consumers Consume Area
BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky ...
Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt
James and Vito Vincenzo, brothers and co-owners of Vincenzo Family Construction and Waste Removal Corporation of Long Island, NY, announced Monday they will give the ...
DNR Warns: U.S. Mayonnaise Reserves Dwindling
Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural ...
Amish Give Up
"This is bullshit," Elders Say
LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced ...
New Study Shows Progress Made by Broads
A University of California-Berkeley study released Tuesday revealed that broads have made significant progress in the workplace over the past decade.
