Bill Gates To Get Half

News ISSUE 29•24 Jul 23, 1996
REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting ...

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

News ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts ...

Area Consumers Consume Area

News ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky ...

Amish Give Up

"This is bullshit," Elders Say

News ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced ...