News

San Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals

Animals Let Out of Cages, Producing 'Leaner, Healthier' Zoo

News ISSUE 29•17 May 7, 1996
SAN DIEGO, CA—Citing “sagging first quarter profits” and disappointing 1995 revenue figures, the San Diego Zoo announced yesterday its decision to lay off nearly ...

Deforestation Complete

News ISSUE 29•16 Apr 30, 1996
Global deforestation, the environmental disaster forewarned by eco-radicals since as far back as 1980, has finally and irreversibly arrived, spokespersons from Worldwide PulpCo announced Monday.

Umabomber Captured

FBI Ends 18-Year Search for Leggy Luddite Lolita

News ISSUE 29•14 Apr 16, 1996
In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday.

Area Man Collects All Four

News ISSUE 29•13 Apr 9, 1996
CAMDEN, NJ—After several weeks of eating at various Camden-area participating Burger King restaurants, local resident Bert Gruhey has succeeded in collecting all four Star ...

Christ Returns to NBA

News ISSUE 29•12 Apr 3, 1996
After a two-year hiatus, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, taking the court with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit ...