'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell
WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in ...
MODESTO, CA—Speaking with reporters before a game Monday, local Little Leaguer Nathan Garrett expressed his heartfelt wish that, just once, his unemployed father could ...
DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered ...
Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You
DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake ...
PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working ...
CANTON, OH—According to reports, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by Wednesday morning to check up on Allen and Brenda Spearing, a financially strapped ...
BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today ...
BETHESDA, MD—According to a new study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, for the 25th straight year, violent wolf attacks remain the ...
WASHINGTON—After nearly a decade of promises that the nation was on the brink of a technological, economic, and scientific golden age, citizens across the ...
WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s ...
WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed ...
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Monday’s terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon, sources reported today the internet had come up with approximately 8.5 ...
ROCHESTER, NY—Citing such examples as his understated eye rolls or how he often delivers a faint, judgment-filled “hmm” after an employee passionately presents an ...
BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that ...
BOSTON—After Monday’s horrific terror attack at the Boston Marathon that killed three and left hundreds injured, officials confirmed Tuesday that the bombings and ...
LOS ANGELES—In anticipation of the release today of 42, the new Jackie Robinson biopic, moviegoers speculated that the film about the first African-American to ...
BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting, and the fact that a job applicant ...
MENLO PARK, CA—Dawn breaks across San Francisco Bay, and on this brisk April day the only sound disturbing the morning quiet is the steady ...
WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis ...
LOS ANGELES—After dashing off an indiscernible code on his laptop keyboard and sharply striking the enter key multiple times with his forefinger, a fast-talking ...
