Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book ...

Cross Examination host Shelby Cross shows women how to physically defeat their self-defense instructors.

Joad says he can't be blamed for Rep. Cummings being dragged through a briar patch just because he called for the congressman to be ...

Socially inclusive hiphop group the Black Eyed Peas have added the wheelchair-bound rapper TruWheel to their line-up, plus more stories in the NewsBlitz.

Over months in captivity, kidnapping victim Kat Barr sent hundreds of emails to her MoveOn mailing list only to have them immediately deleted by the ...

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of U.S.

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and ...

The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple ...

Cell phone video posted on Twitter by one of the kidnapped school children in today's Congressional hostage situation.

The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.

Many parents bring their children to R-rated movies, but are minors mature enough to see our In The Know panelists masturbating to the adult content ...

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad explains how the harsh conditions in mining camps can require two men becoming one.

Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.

Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the ...

A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.

President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many ...

Selection of the location for Paul McCartney's funeral is generating anticipation for the mourning period following his death.

President Obama announces plans to deliver a two-hour speech explaining his reasons for granting clemency to Cranberry, the Thanksgiving turkey.

Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler warns Americans that genetically modifying crops may have  dangerous consequences.