The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.

A group of country music's biggest stars have a message for terrorists: you can't hurt America by blowing up New York City.
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The CEO of L.L. Bean pleads with black leaders to forgive his company for whatever it's done to cause this decades-long boycott.

According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist.

The nation's poorest schools will receive extra government funding to teach their students skills like rifle assembly and precision marching.

Local police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape.

Tragedy was narrowly averted when a stray bullet bound for singer Beyonce thankfully struck and became lodged in a passerby.

Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.

Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.

An Albany, New York man was surprised to find a human head in his Double Whopper at a local Burger King.

A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.

Time Magazine's eagerly anticipated annual list of the 299 million least influential Americans hits newsstands this week.

Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study.

Officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart.

Due to rising domestic wages, many American parents are saving money by using unregulated overseas workers.

The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.

In violation of non-proliferation agreements, the little nation has developed an itsy bitsy arsenal of destruction.

Interviews with Alzheimer’s patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine.

Calling the final Harry Potter book her "darkest yet," J.K. Rowling confirmed one of the characters in it will be date raped.

With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress.