The nation’s poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold.
According to a new survey, whether a candidate seems like they could take a sucker punch in a drunken brawl is extremely important to voters.
Thanksgiving is a time for far-flung family members to reunite with each other and share in holiday cheer at the airport.
In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on.
Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.
Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.
Officials in California dedicated the Folsom Dam Memorial, which will honor the nearby residents that will die when the faulty dam fails.
'Cum Inside' star Jennica St. Foxx is receiving heavy criticism for using a racial slur in her latest film.
The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.
A group of country music's biggest stars have a message for terrorists: you can't hurt America by blowing up New York City.
The CEO of L.L. Bean pleads with black leaders to forgive his company for whatever it's done to cause this decades-long boycott.
According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist.
The nation's poorest schools will receive extra government funding to teach their students skills like rifle assembly and precision marching.
Local police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape.
Tragedy was narrowly averted when a stray bullet bound for singer Beyonce thankfully struck and became lodged in a passerby.
Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.
Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.
An Albany, New York man was surprised to find a human head in his Double Whopper at a local Burger King.
A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.
Time Magazine's eagerly anticipated annual list of the 299 million least influential Americans hits newsstands this week.