President Obama works out an agreement to have Republicans in Congress kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.

Inspired by the First Lady's health plan for children, Vice President Joe Biden has pledged to make every American woman beach-ready.

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports on Kanye West's feud with Syria and a company's decision not to bother recalling a defective ...

Autistic reporter Michael Falk reports it is bad that four U.S. soldiers died but it is good that nearly two dozen Taliban soldiers died.

After an earthquake renders hundreds of dogs homeless, reporter O'Brady Shaw pledges to put down every last animal himself.

Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11)

On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11)

The First Responders debate the U.S. military's use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above.

When a community loses a teen in a drunk driving accident, it's Onion News Network reporter O'Brady Shaw who is most emotionally devastated.

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make ...

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election.

First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate.

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage.

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in ...

Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad.

In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding.

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy.

In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up ...

In one of the biggest stories of 2011, U.S. Special Forces shot and killed bin Laden and then removed his obese body from his ...

Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.