Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface
The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard ...
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Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out ...
Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog
A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or ...
Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids
UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins ...
Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse
A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10 ...
Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception
Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is ...
Brad Pitt Decides To Grow Out Forehead Hair
Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman ...
Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang ...
Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India
President Obama and Rachel Goldstein really hit it off during a group trip to Israel, a man with strong brand loyalty is willing to kill ...
NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt
The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to ...
Andrea Bocelli Smelling The Shit Out Of Red Rose
Cancer topples Chavez in a bloodless coup, a poll finds that 99% of human beings would prefer big, slobbery hound dog pope, and Andrea Bocelli ...
Retiring Pope Half-Heartedly Suggests Grabbing Lunch Sometime With God
A report finds Chinese third-graders are falling behind U.S. high school students in math and science, a nostalgic warden has seen 3 generations of ...
Middle-Aged Banana Panics Upon Finding First Brown Spot
An area man panics after accidentally 'liking' 381 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos, Bob Dylan lays off 2,000 workers from a songwriting factory ...
Flock Of Suicidal Geese Drinking Up The Courage To Down Jetliner
A new pair of Sony nosebuds lets users blast different smells into their nostrils, a devoted abuser stops by his girlfriend's office to deliver ...
SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show
A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's ...
Local Burger Feels Especially Disgusting Today
The Department of the Interior is bilked out of $18 million by a con-gopher, a paranoid Syrian man thinks the government is out to get ...
Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving
NASA continues its search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty ...
Diane Sawyer Introduces New Foul-Mouthed, Cigar-Chomping Character To 'ABC World News'
A report finds that most small businesses failed in the first 6 hours of being on fire, the Osama bin Laden foundation awards fellowships to ...
Only Difficult Pistachios Left In Bag
AIG blows all the goodwill built up by Wall Street in recent years, a mother that forgot to pay a 29-year-old's phone bill is ...
Annual Teeth Cleaning Reveals Three Previously Unnoticed Rows Of Teeth
An ornithologist is forced to participate in The History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Become Birds?' program, A 31-year-old remains the only one of ...
