The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running ...

A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation.

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face ...

A fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in, George Washington laments that his vision of the future has not been realized, and ...

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention ...

This week, The Onion Review takes a look back at some of the most important news stories that shaped our lives in 2011.

Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack continues his good-will tour to improve relations with foreign produce, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a ...

A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S.

The U.S. offers franchising opportunities to increase revenue, Jessica Milly puts out, and Dad's new 20-year-old Thai boyfriend really sucks at Scattergories.

Bank executives place bets on which Occupy Wall Street protester will be arrested next, a churchgoer blanks on why she's lighting a votive candle ...

President Obama releases a new tell-all book about America, a cute eight-year-old is beginning to realize how much better she is than ugly girls, and ...

The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession ...

The government reduces Bernie Madoff's sentence in exchange for infiltrating and fixing the economy, leaf hunting season begins, and something is sliding around in ...

Congress passes a law requiring every U.S. dog to wear a neckerchief, a report shows that your mother is silently weeping about you right ...

American voters are worried about botching another election, everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason, and a new study ...

Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns ...

The nation turns to our poet laureate for solace, General Mills releases a new line of Lucky Charms with 15% less leprechaun meat, and the ...

The nation commemorates the 10th anniversary of 9/11 by toasting the stable government of Afghanistan from atop the Freedom Tower.  It's the week ...

President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not ...

All experts agree that the failing U.S. economy is no reason not to invest in print media, Dick Cheney's new memoir reveals he ...