Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus ...

Nation's students to give American education system yet another chance, man overcomes alcoholism without Jesus by his side, and study shows: 96% of humans ...

Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive ...

Ben Bernanke drunkenly tells everyone at a local bar how screwed the U.S. economy really is, an area dog's rock bottom is the ...

Congress spotted walking out of a gay nightclub, U.S. quietly slips out of Afghanistan in the dead of the night, and Tim Duncan sends ...

China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls ...

Record industry refuses to claim credit for horrendous #1 song, The National Funk Congress is deadlocked on get up/get down issue, and the Chicago ...

After 3 billion seasons on earth, Fall has been canceled, a shiny bobbing object fascinates the fish community, and a bee stuck between the screen ...

After a week of meritorious writing, reporting, and public service from America's Finest News Source, the hard-working men and women at The Onion provide ...

A load of mulch is dumped in a pretty ballsy location, a racehorse is unaware it just cost some kid new braces, and desperate PBS ...

A budget mix up causes Congress to accidentally fund schools …NFL Players look weird in suits, and a revealing discovery about the life of Gentle ...

The death of another human being is terrific news for once … the bullet that killed the notorious terrorist is a guest on Good Morning America ...

Obama plans to rob Fort Knox, a 25-year-old man who was raised by parents is still struggling to adjust to human society, and the velociraptor ...

The rest of this year's pop culture to be "pretty rough,” The Economist lets readers catch up, and a Wal-Mart greeter knows exactly how ...

Aspen police frantically search for a missing ski, the show Ghost Hunters somehow always finds ghosts, and voyeurs watch a womens' march through the bushes ...

Americans audition for a government production of Guys and Dolls, a jukebox flat-out rejects an Oasis CD, and a juror in Barry Bonds trial is ...

Every week beginning April 7, The Onion will present a video review of the most vital events of the past seven days. Now, you can ...